Colonel Tom Parker – Elvis Presley

Every single person who has ever dreamed of being one of the biggest stars in the world is only copying the model that Elvis Presley started with. Chuck Berry had people dancing to his music and Bill Haley had the first official rock and roll song with ‘Rock Around the Clock’, but the idea of a heartthrob that everyone wanted to be next to as they sang their songs can all be traced back to that little kid who wanted to make rock and roll in the heart of America. Presley may have been the model, but Colonel Tom Parker was the kind of yes-man that no one needed in their life.

As much as Parker was a godsend for Presley during their time together, many parts of his career make him look like somewhat of a scoundrel. He may have had his client’s best interests at heart, but over time, Parker seemed to look at Presley like a commodity more than a person, more often than not trying to profit off of him in any way he could, even selling ‘I hate Elvis’ merchandise behind the scenes so he would profit off of every single demographic.

While that makes him an excellent businessman in many respects, the fact that Presley died so tragically after being the world’s greatest superstar feels like it could have been prevented had Parker not been pushing him In no way was he responsible for Presley’s passing, but after becoming wealthier than anyone ever thought he could, there’s a reason why Tom Hanks’s portrayal of him through layer upon layer of makeup in Presley’s biopic makes him look as sinister as possible.

Gene Simmons – Kiss

The entire premise of Kiss was about trying to bring that kind of superhero fantasy into rock and roll. Most kids were impressionable when they picked up their first single, and since the biggest thing in the world for listeners at that age is comic books, seeing a band that was nothing but a bunch of rock and roll warriors seemed like one of the greatest things in the world. But Gene Simmons has pulled the curtain on that fantasy years ago. This is a business to him, and don’t you forget it for a second.

Although Simmons did have at least one to two decent songs in Kiss depending on who you ask, his main problem was turning the entire operation into a business. Granted, every rockstar is going to be playing the long game trying to turn themselves into a commodity, but Simmons is the perfect example of how far one shouldn’t go, including his need to make everything from Kiss-branded condoms to someone being laid down to rest inside of a Kiss coffin.

Couple that with the fact that he, in his infinite wisdom, has called the time of death, and you can see why he isn’t the most likeable character. Because somewhere down the line, Simmons seemed to get replaced by some strange businessman who would rather spend his days oggling women and getting paid than have to worry about playing a bunch of songs for a few hours.

Axl Rose – Guns N’ Roses

For a brief moment in time, it truly felt like Guns N’ Roses were going to be the glam-rock equivalent of The Rolling Stones. They had little to nothing in common with the other bands gigging up and down the Sunset Strip, but with their cowboy streets and grizzly attitude, they were more than willing to leave everyone else speechless whenever they got onstage. For a band that cut their teeth on being dangerous, though, Axl Rose ended up unravelling everything when he got in way in over his head.

While he could sing his heart out every time he went onstage in the 1990s, the road to making the band’s double album Use Your Illusion was bound to be messy. Aside from the lavish orchestrations on everything, Rose seemed to believe his own hype after a while, eventually threatening to end the group on the spot if the rest of his bandmates didn’t give up their rights to use the name.

Even though Guns N’ Roses limped on as a husk of themselves in the 2000s, Rose is one of the few on this list who actually managed to have a redemption story. There was a period where the closest thing to a Guns N’ Roses show was Velvet Revolver, but after settling things with Slash and Duff McKagan, their reunion was like watching the musical family reunion that no one thought could happen.

Morrissey – The Smiths

The Smiths have always been a go-to for anyone looking for genuine empathy in music. Even though not every song will resonate with everyone, every teenager finds that moment when they stumble upon tunes like ‘There Is a Light That Never Goes Out’ and fall in love with them at least once in their lives. That kind of empathy can’t be bottled up and found anywhere else, but apparently, Morrissey ran out of all that empathy the minute that the band ended.

While Johnny Marr has kept the band’s spirit alive every time he plays, ‘The Moz’ has been far more concerned with having a go at anyone who dares to think differently than he does. From chastising anyone who eats meat as a murderer to cutting people out of his life because they take a different political stance than he does, nothing is off the table in terms of elements that will piss him off.

This kind of snobby attitude at least had some charm back in the day, but listening back to what he has been saying for years, there’s a reason why The Smiths hit the hardest during adolescence. Because after growing up, you start to realise that Morrissey is the kind of person who never fully grew out of his rebellious teen phase and insists on getting more and more agitated with people because they haven’t suffered as much as he did.

Phil Spector

The unsung hero of every great rock and roll song is usually the producer. The musicians get all the credit when they parade around the country singing their songs, but the raw sonics behind a great band comes from the one behind the board, suggesting where to put the microphones or even arranging tunes so that artists sound as professional as possible. While Phil Spector had his music down to a science, it’s a shame that he had to throw away every respectable trait along the way.

Make no mistake, Spector’s ‘Wall of Sound’ design is among the best advancements to come out of rock and roll, but he was already showing suspicious signs when working with John Lennon, including walking out with the tapes of one of his albums and refusing to give them back. But we had not yet begun to scratch the surface of everything when he was convicted for the murder of Lana Clarkson.

While he would eventually get indicted for his actions, his story acts more as a cautionary tale of what can happen to someone who thinks they have control over everything. Being a musician can feel like living on cloud nine, but when you have reached the point where you are shooting guns off in the middle of the studio during recording, someone is liable to come in and put everything to an end.

Kid Rock

There’s a certain amount of swagger that comes with being a great rock and roll frontman. Some may grow into their rock and roll boots like David Lee Roth becoming a cartoon character, and others are born with that otherworldly vibe like Jimi Hendrix. While the self-proclaimed ‘American Badass’ Kid Rock does indeed have many followers who will gladly follow him to the ends of the Earth, he has all of the traits of a lacklustre used car salesman rather than an effective rock and roller.

Throughout his time in the spotlight, Rock was never the most respectable rockstar of all time, but at least he made mindless tunes about the pleasures of life, right? Well, not quite. Listening back to some of his most well-publicised albums, he has never been the most respectful to women and somehow proceeds to be taken seriously when he reps for being someone who waves the Confederate flag despite being from Detroit.

Many people can claim to have him on their side when he decided to jump on the Donald Trump hype train in the 2010s, but if anyone used half a brain cell, it would have triggered some alarm bells. Anyone can believe what they believe in terms of music or politics, but think about it for a second: would you want someone fighting for your cause who wrote about how sex with underage girls is mandatory to him?

Ike Turner – Tina Turner

If Elvis Presley was known as the ‘King of Rock and Roll’, there’s no debating that Tina Turner was the Queen. Other female dynamos like Janis Joplin and Grace Slick certainly gave more representation to the other side of the conversation back in the 1960s, but from the minute that Turner stepped onstage, she owned every single room she played once the “rough” part of ‘Proud Mary’ began. In fact, she was performing to the best of her ability that it was easy to forget about the heinous things going on in the background.

While Tina might owe pieces of her early career to Ike Turner, it became abundantly clear that she didn’t need someone like that in her life. Outside of being her husband for a number of years, Ike was the epitome of an entitled asshole in every sense of the word, from refusing to have Tina work with Frank Zappa when he wouldn’t be getting paid to assaulting her when they returned home from tours.

Although Ike may have slapped his name on some of Tina’s greatest hits like any good businessman, the best way that she could have had the last laugh was by making something like Private Dancer. Because from the minute that ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ hit the airwaves, everyone realised that in the case of Tina, living well was going to be the best revenge after leaving that sorry excuse for a man on his ass.

The Thin White Duke – David Bowie

Every single villain in rock and roll has always had a certain caricature about them. Even if they have made a lot of mistakes in their life, some of them can be a bit more exaggerated than others when talking to people who have been wronged by them in the past. But David Bowie was all about changing characters throughout his career, and while ‘Ziggy Stardust’ was the alien saviour of Earth, ‘The Thin White Duke’ was one of the darkest sonic costumes he could have made.

Appearing clinically thin and looking pale as snow, Bowie’s character for the duration of Station to Station represents the most frightening physical state of his life. Outside of doping himself up on cocaine every time he went into the studio, his better judgement led to him getting more and more fixated on the nasty side of life, including interviews where he endorsed Hitler as one of the first rock stars and made various allusions to the occult when writing lyrics.

Even though Bowie never made it a habit of repeating the same character, there’s a good reason that ‘The Thin White Duke’ has never been asked to come back. It may have been fun for the duration of an album, but the minute that the music turns off, this was a truly dangerous individual that could have led to Bowie’s demise had he not made his way out of Los Angeles and into the creative scenery of Berlin.

Eugene Landy – Brian Wilson

It’s easier for rock stars these days to take better care of their mental health. The lifestyle of a musician isn’t for everybody, and sometimes, the biggest names in the industry have nearly cracked under pressure and done irreversible damage to their bodies. Although Brian Wilson did manage to actually see his twilight years, he had to fight tooth and nail for his independence once Eugene Landy was brought into the picture.

Since Wilson wasn’t in a good frame of mind thanks to his rampant drug use and anxiety, Landy was initially brought in as someone who could help. Once people saw what he was doing behind the scenes, though, it’s clear that Landy was abusing his position as Wilson’s guardian, medicating him on even more drugs, forcing him to be on a non-stop schedule of writing tunes, and making him lose years of his life sitting in bed and not getting anything done.

Although Landy’s absence probably wouldn’t have led to Wilson eventually completing Smile or anything, it will forever be known as one of the greatest injustices that any member of the group ever faced. Charles Manson had already played a secondary role in the band’s story, but in the case of this list, it’s those years lost to time that will be a blemish on Wilson’s career all thanks to one man thinking he was above everyone else.

Allen Klein – The Beatles

There was no feasible way that The Beatles could have gone on forever. By the end of the Get Back sessions, it was clear that they needed a break from each other, and George Harrison is even seen talking in the documentary of the same name about trying to get his ideas out on his own rather than having to save everything for the Fab Four. Some avenues may have been open to salvage their relationships, but all of that went out the window the minute that Allen Klein got affiliated with them.

While every single uninformed Fab fan will point the finger at Yoko Ono for tearing the band apart, the core of the problem began when Brian Epstein passed away. It was clear the group needed some guidance, and when their longtime manager was no longer there, Klein stepped in to oversee most of their productions. Although Paul McCartney was the one who didn’t see eye-to-eye with Klein, the schism between him and the other Beatles was what kept them at odds for years.

Outside of pitting the Threetles against Macca, Klein did the same thing to The Rolling Stones and Sam Cooke and continued to be a swine until the 1990s when he stole all the publishing of ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ from The Verve. And given the fact that John Lennon was hurt enough to write a diss track to him and Harrison grew tired of his antics, it’s clear that Klein never learned the one rule of camaraderie. For him, it was every man for himself, and compared to others who fight for their artists, he would gladly throw them under the bus if he knew he could get some money out of them.