10 classic rock songs with truly horrible lyrics

‘Goin’ Blind’ – Kiss

Kiss have earned their place in music history based on their approach to the stage show alone. Even as rock music was becoming larger than life, there weren’t too many artists willing to cake on horrifying makeup, breathe fire, and spray blood from the stage to get a reaction out of the crowd. Though the circus element of their show was one thing, it starts to get tedious when listening to any number of their horrible songs.

Although Kiss fans have debated as to when the band started to make bad music, they were never exactly the answer to The Beatles in the songwriting department. Take Gene Simmons’ ‘Goin Blind’ from their second album, Hotter Than Hell, where he tells the story of trying to seduce a 16-year-old girl while claiming to be 93. While the song may be meant to sound sinister, playing it as a straight ballad will make anyone with marginal taste recoil from their sound system.

Even if the song was meant to play up the ‘Demon’ persona that Simmons was portraying, it doesn’t make it any easier for anyone above the age of consent to listen to. Simmons may have claimed to be playing a character in the song, but considering this is the same man who would write ‘Christine Sixteen’ just a few years later, it’s hard to see him as a dirty old man regardless.

‘Pink’ – Aerosmith

The world of rock is no stranger to songs about sex. If there was a sanction against songs about getting one’s leg over in rock, there’s a good chance that half of the greatest rock songs of all time would be off the table. Even for a band that writes as many songs about sex as Aerosmith does, ‘Pink’ is another level of stupid.

During their career renaissance in the 1990s, Steven Tyler began working with other songwriters to create songs like ‘Pink’, which is about as shameless a double entendre as they come. There’s no getting around the fact that this song is an ode to genitalia, which gets all the more gross when Tyler starts talking about wanting to wrap this object of his affection in rubber and how the thought of it gets him as high as a kite.

While ‘Pink’ at least benefits from having a decent melody, the real problem is where it’s placed in the group’s chronology, coming right before the release of their mega-hit ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’. There’s nothing wrong with bringing a certain trashiness into a rock and roll sex jam, but it’s a stretch to expect an audience to indulge in sexual fantasies and immediately try to sell a sappy love ballad at them.

‘Every Breath You Take’ – The Police

By the time The Police had finished their run, Sting had already turned himself into a world-class songwriter. Having studied different aspects of music theory, Sting’s knowledge of a good hook helped him transition into different genres seamlessly, like the calypso sound of ‘Every Little Thing She Does is Magic’ or the punky thrash of ‘Next To You’. While ‘Every Breath You Take’ is the closest to pure pop the band would ever get, Sting wasn’t letting his listeners off the hook that easily.

Set to the same bulletproof chord progression as songs like ‘Stand By Me’, Sting sings the track like a romantic love ballad, talking about being around for his lover at every opportunity. Then again, there’s nothing that confirms that this man has a lover at all, only referencing all the things that they’ll be doing as he watches them.

For years, Sting has talked about the dark meaning behind the song, singing from the point of view of a stalker who’s taken some sort of weird possession over his stalk-ee. Even though the song’s tone might be a touch romantic, anyone who uses this song as an ode to their significant other at a wedding reception is either not listening properly or should be kept watch on.

‘Money for Nothing’ – Dire Straits

The arrival of MTV killed many careers in the 1980s. Although many music historians like to talk about the number of acts cast to the side in the wake of grunge, the advent of the music video killed many artists who couldn’t transition into the latest format. Though Dire Straits managed to knock it out of the park with Brothers in Arms, half of the lyric sheet to ‘Money for Nothing’ is tough to listen to.

Being a running commentary on MTV, Mark Knopfler originally came up with the lyrics when listening to a department store salesman commenting on the latest glam acts on the channel. While it all comes back to the classic guitar lick, Knopfler’s second verse has been removed in the latest versions of the song, where the salesman used homophobic slurs and other colourful language to describe the various effeminate acts on the channel.

Knowing where the song came from, it’s hard to watch the music video knowing that the animatronic people are supposed to be those salesmen trying to move the colour TVs. There will always be a handful of artists making money for nothing on MTV, but there’s no reason to bring their sexuality into the equation.

‘Around the World’ – Red Hot Chili Peppers

One of the biggest hurdles people face when getting into the Red Hot Chili Peppers is their lyrics. Although Anthony Kiedis has written several deeply personal songs like ‘Under the Bridge’ and ‘Knock Me Down’, there are more than a few times where he substitutes heartfelt sincerity for the most insipid lyrics ever committed to tape. Although many Peppers songs fall under the “what the hell” category, ‘Around the World’ has a few moments where Kiedis didn’t sound like he was trying.

After a long absence from John Frusciante, kicking off Californication with this song felt like an announcement of something bigger, complete with a funk rock riff for the ages. While Kiedis does make a little bit of sense in the first verses talking about the various places he’s had the pleasure of seeing, the choruses start to get a little bit tricky.

Though the first lyrics talk about him being romantically involved with different women worldwide, Kiedis apparently ran out of lyrics for the last verse, just singing “ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang”. Even by Chili Pepper’s standards, this is the kind of lazy songwriting that keeps Kiedis from being on the same level as other classic wordsmiths of his genre. More than a few Chili Peppers songs are meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but hearing this steep of a drop-off feels like Kiedis wrote half a song and then gave up on the rest.

‘Bip Bop’ – Wings

Paul McCartney has been a master of melody for longer than most can remember. Whether it was with The Beatles or his solo ventures, Macca’s knack for making songs that could work their way into the hearts of millions worldwide seemed to only get stronger with age, leading singalongs of classics like ‘Hey Jude’ and ‘Let It Be’. While Wings had their fair share of lyrical highlights, they got off to an incredibly rocky start on the album Wild Life.

Recorded in a few days to test how the band worked off each other, the lion’s share of the material comes from every musician riffing off each other and seeing where the music takes them. While a novel idea in concept, this also made way for ‘Bip Bop’, which is in the conversation for the most meaningless song that McCartney would ever write.

Compared to the more nonsensical ventures he got up to in The Beatles, there’s hardly a good melody behind this tune, with McCartney scatting while sort of cajoling someone into seeing a band with him. While it’s rare to see McCartney strike out like this, it’s almost comforting to know that even the greatest songwriters on Earth are still human. McCartney may have written modern classics, but he also somehow put this through quality inspection.

‘Stray Cat Blues’ – The Rolling Stones

It’s almost expected for The Rolling Stones to have a handful of bad lyrics in their tunes. Since they were sculpted as the filthier answer to The Beatles in their prime, their knack for writing about the rock and roll lifestyle tended to have sinister undertones on every track. Though ‘Brown Sugar’ would get a few raised eyebrows for its lyrics both then and now, ‘Stray Cat Blues’ feels much sleazier in retrospect.

Being a deep cut taken from Beggars Banquet, this is the kind of lustful love song that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards could write in their sleep, as Jagger asks for his lover to join him upstairs. Once he starts to add details to the song, the fact that she’s 15 years old starts to trigger more than a few alarm bells in the listener’s head.

Even though he’s planning to have his way with a child, Jagger ups the ante by asking this girl to bring one of her friends upstairs for an impromptu threesome. While there was usually nothing off the table during The Stones’ backstage escapades, the fact that Jagger is bragging about his sexual conquests like this is something that can’t be glossed over with a few decent guitar licks.

‘Dyer’s Eve’ – Metallica

When Metallica first started to write music, James Hetfield had a hang-up about writing about the underworld. Since every single metal band before them had made songs about the demons that lurk in Hell, Hetfield made a conscious effort to move away from those tired tropes, instead focusing on the evil that can be seen every day. Although this made for graphic depictions of war on songs like ‘One’ and ‘Disposable Heroes’, ‘Dyers Eve’ deserved so much more in the lyrical department.

Coming at the end of And Justice For All, Metallica created the culmination of their previous thrash era in just over five minutes, complete with the most strenuous guitar licks ever conceived by man. For all of the great elements going on in the backing track, Hetfield’s lyrics feel like they should have been ripped out of the diary of a particularly melodramatic teenager.

Though Hetfield may have had a troubled home life back in the day, his pent-up anger towards his parents has never felt more adolescent, talking about them censoring his every move and being the ultimate hypocrites by doing the same thing he was. While Metallica fans may have gotten pissed when the band decided to “sell out” one album later, they should have focused on the fact that these lyrics sound like they were written by a kid who got yelled at because he didn’t finish his dinner.

‘Run For Your Life’ – The Beatles

There probably hasn’t been a band whose lyrics have been more poured over than The Beatles. Second only to Bob Dylan, the Fab Four have been known for creating some of the greatest images in rock history, from the melancholy of ‘Eleanor Rigby’ to the warped acid trip of ‘I Am the Walrus’. Before they expanded their horizons as songwriters, the final track on Rubber Soul felt like the theme song for a serial killer.

Taken from one line from an Elvis Presley tune, John Lennon sculpted ‘Run For Your Life’ as a catchy song about murder. While Lennon had written many songs centred around a jealous boyfriend, the paranoid kid in this song is determined to kill his girlfriend if she ever decides to leave him, urging her to hide her head in the sand should he find her lurking around after the breakup.

While a song this mean-spirited may have been more accepted in the days of Please Please Me, it sticks out even more when placed on the same album that boasts ‘Girl’ and ‘Norwegian Wood’, two songs that elevated what a traditional Beatles love song could sound like. Lennon might be known as the most lyrical out of The Beatles, but this is a lyric sheet so below average that it’s easy to look at the artist differently.

‘Champagne Supernova’ – Oasis

Throughout most of Oasis‘ career, Noel Gallagher never gave that much thought to any of his lyrics. When referring to his approach to writing songs, Noel’s focus tended to come from the melody line, with the words being written down as an afterthought once the core song was written. Even for a songwriter who doesn’t care that much about his lyrics, ‘Champagne Supernova’ boasts the worst lines to come out of Britpop.

Granted, it’s easy to see why Noel stumbled upon this style of lyric writing. Since the song is meant to evoke what it feels like to be blitzed out of one’s mind, the constant reminder of where we were while he was getting high at least makes sense. When writing about how he feels, though, the image of someone slowly walking down a hall and being faster than a cannonball is the peak of Noel’s nonsense.

Though the lyrics would get even more inessential on Be Here Now, bringing one of the greatest albums of the 1990s to a close on a lyric like that just makes Noel sound like he’s been taking the piss this whole time. Then again, it’s easy to look at it through a sober lens. Perhaps if heard under the influence of various hallucinogens, Noel actually hid the meaning of life in these lyrics, but all we’re left with is gibberish.