Scrooge’s Soundtrack: Five Christmas songs so terrible they’ll make you hate the holidays
Christmas is here, and that means gifts, excessive eating, and some of the cheesiest music imaginable.
Plenty of great artists have created their own Christmas songs in the past, and a lot of them have managed to conjure something pretty damn good. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Mariah Carey and Run DMC, all of them have some form of holiday offering, and all of them manage to spark joy in those of us who listen. Christmas songs are a great way to facilitate merriment, and most of them do just that, and I most of them because there are, of course, some exceptions to this rule.
Now, in the maze that is Christmas music, there are plenty of mediocre offerings out there, songs that you might skip when they come on but don’t wholeheartedly resent, and they’re not the tracks that I’m worried about today. The tracks that I’m worried about are those which are so relentlessly horrible that they would turn even the most avid Christmas lover off the holiday.
If you’re a Scrooge, you’ll love these, and if you’re not, you’re about to become one, as these are five of the worst Christmas songs of all time. Bah humbug!
The five worst Christmas songs of all time:
The Killers – ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’
There is no right way to write a Christmas song, but there are some qualities that such songs universally possess, which include the likes of sleigh bells, crisp production, joy, and a frequent mention of the word Christmas. It’s for these reasons that rock versions of Christmas songs, as a general rule, don’t work, but that doesn’t stop bands from continuing to try.
One of these bands was The Killers with their offering ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’, and it’s a tricky one to describe: Santa is a villain attempting to kill the song’s protagonist, the song is a blend of rock and comedy, and there is no section of the confusing number which is remotely enjoyable.
Alvin and the Chipmunks – ‘The Chipmunk Song’
If you are wondering how one can ever get annoyed at something as wholesome as Alvin and the Chipmunks, listen to their horrendously annoying Christmas song, and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.
This track is arguably the most irritating song that has ever been put onto the airwaves, and that’s not just referring to Christmas music, but music as a whole. From the moment it starts to the moment it finishes, you contemplate setting up rat traps around your home just in case that annoying ratpack of rodents is lingering in the vicinity. I don’t care how cute those little animated chipmunks are, this song is an abomination which would make even the most holly jolly of listeners detest Christmas.
Justin Bieber – ‘Mistletoe’
When he was initially making a name for himself, Justin Bieber came under a lot of undeserved criticism. The teen pop star found himself on the receiving end of insults from people around the world, and the majority of that wasn’t justified. That being said, his song ‘Mistletoe’ is a track which continues to sound like a sin to music.
As far as pop songs go, it’s deeply bland and sounds like the kind of thing a writer has churned out last minute while only having access to two different instruments. Not to mention, the line “Shawty, with you”, in the chorus, is a lyric that’s the opposite of whatever a gift is.
The Jackson 5 – ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’
There is no denying the Jackson 5’s talent, and this is a Christmas song which certainly doesn’t sound bad, but it finds itself on this list because of how creepy it is. Granted, there are plenty of songs out there which have strange meanings and stories attached to them, but they don’t need to be anywhere near wholesome Christmas numbers.
Think for a second about what this song actually is. It’s a load of kids singing about the fact they saw their mum snogging Santa, that is unquestionably odd, and yet it’s something that year upon year we celebrate. This song shouldn’t be as much of a classic as it is, for the whole thing is icky, and I don’t understand why we insist on singing it with such unbridled glee.
Maroon 5 – ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’
Look, I’m all for a good cover here and there, and who am I to say what songs are and aren’t off limits? Chances are, Maroon 5 was just a big fan of this track, and so when the holiday season rolled around, they opted to put their own unique spin on it. There’s nothing wrong with that, in theory, that is, until you hear the actual track.
While there are no rules on what songs artists can and can’t cover, a classic of this magnitude should be off limits, and if someone is going to attempt their own rendition, it should be someone a lot more capable than Maroon 5. The band managed to butcher a classic with this offering, creating a song which no doubt put all members on Santa’s naughty list.
