The most unconvincing action hero of the 2000s, according to Sylvester Stallone: “Give me a break”
The easiest and most obvious way to figure out which of his fellow action stars Sylvester Stallone respects the most is to check if they’ve been in an Expendables movie or not.
Steven Seagal wasn’t in any of them and claimed that he didn’t want to be, but since most of the people who’ve worked with him have acknowledged that he’s one of the most cavernous arseholes in Hollywood history, it wouldn’t have been worth the hassle to bring him into the fold anyway.
Jackie Chan also said no because he didn’t want to play a supporting role, while Kurt Russell wasn’t interested in trading on nostalgia and winking toward his past, although it may have also had something to do with the fact that he’s adamant he technically came up with the idea first and nobody was interested.
Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes, Scott Adkins, Mel Gibson, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Tony Jaa, and Iko Uwais are just some of the big-name ass-kickers who swung by across the franchise’s four instalments, and we’ll just ignore that Megan Fox and Liam Hemsworth are in there, too.
If someone had either headlined a semi-successful action flick at any point in the last three decades, had shown themselves capable of roundhouse kicking an extra in the face, or was proficient with guns of both the bicep and firearm variety, then they were in. As for everyone else? They were mere pretenders to the throne, and one of them got especially under Stallone’s skin.
When the veteran dusted off his other iconic role for a legacy sequel, 2008’s Rambo, it was the first time he’d taken top billing in a straightforward shoot ’em up since 1995’s Assassins, since we’re not including Daylight because it doubled as a disaster flick, and D-Tox had a whiff of the serial killer thriller about it. That, and Sly would much prefer if you forgot the latter even existed.
The old gunslinger was back in town, and when he looked across the horizon at the current crop of whippersnappers, he wasn’t exactly thrilled with what he found. “I’m still in my prime, and I look forward to showing fans the real action hero again,” he said. “Today’s idea of an action hero is Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom? Give me a break.”
Taking shots at Bloom was a bit harsh and a little unnecessary, since he was never really an action hero, not even in his early-to-mid-2000s pomp. Pirates of the Caribbean? He was the straight man and romantic male lead. Troy? He played a coward. Lord of the Rings? He fired a few arrows, and that was about it. Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven might be the exception, but as much as the director’s cut improves the historical epic, he was easily the worst thing about it.
Apart from that, the closest he’s come to a run-of-the-mill actioner would probably be 2024’s Red Right Hand, long after Stallone had farted in his general direction and dismissed the relatively slight Bloom as being qualified to inherit the vascular mantle of a genuine action star.
