Rock ‘n’ roll Olympics: Who is the fastest musician?
I don’t necessarily have anything against Harry Styles per se; in fact, my focus of interest is largely removed from the spaces in which he occupies. Skilfully, he’s shaken the talent-show label tag loose and become somewhat of a creative figurehead upon which people now project their own taste. And all credit to him, he’s forged a well respected career from it. But despite his overwhelming success, obviously superior aesthetics to me in every way, and wealth that spans across multi-millions, I have never developed a sense of resentful jealousy. Until now.
Yes, along with what seems to be everybody in 2025, I run. A lot. Before the days of selfie-filmed 5km runs and 100-person run clubs, I would worship the words of Haruki Murakami and his spiritual insights on running as I pounded the harsh Bristol pavements. While it primarily serves a purpose as a therapeutic release, I’m not immune to being held ransom by metrics. Most of my upcoming half-marathon training is done to the sound of Viagra Boys, and I’ve since figured that if I can run my first kilometre within the run time of their track ‘Sports’, I’m going to smash all of my records.
Inherently, it’s an individual sport and shouldn’t be measured against others too much, especially when those people are global celebrities who don’t know you exist. But when I recently heard that Harry Styles ran the Tokyo marathon in three hours and 24 minutes, I’m not ashamed to admit I was filled with rage. Can he not just keep his millions of pounds, good looks and universal popularity and leave impressively quick marathon times for the rest of us?
After all, true rock and roll stars aren’t meant to sustain a healthy fitness regime alongside their success. No, they should be crawling along on a diet of neat booze, hard drugs and next to no nutritional food. While you may think what I initially thought, that Styles is reflective of a more sensible and health-driven generation of musicians, then you will be disappointed to hear that some of his faster musical counterparts come from decades past.
Joe Strummer, legendary punk figure and frontman for The Clash, recorded three marathons in the 1980s, with his fastest reportedly being a three-hour 20-minute run in Paris. In keeping with the rock and roll attitude I claim to miss, Strummer said he managed to achieve that feat with absolutely no training. Let’s just call that exactly what it is, bullshit.
Stuart Murdoch from the more modest Glasgow-based band Belle and Sebastian outdid the untrained Strummer with a time of two hours 57 minutes at the age of 18. A promising athletics career was put on the back burner, however, due to a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which ultimately directed him into pursuing his musical endeavours with the band.
Other musical icons to have crossed the finish line of a marathon are Alanis Morrisette, with four hours 17 minutes, Johnny Marr, with three hours 54 minutes and Flea, with three hours 53 minutes. Respectable and predictable times indeed, leaving the only shocking part of it all being the image of Johnny Marr wearing shorts and trainers.
Are musicians the fastest runners in all of entertainment?
Something must be said about the physicality of performing music live on stage because even film and television’s greatest athletes haven’t beaten Murdoch and Strummer. I’m not entirely sure what method of fitness Deadpool bases his training regime around, but Ryan Reynolds could only complete it 30 minutes slower than the untrained Joe Strummer, while Ed Norton clocked a three-hour 48-minute timing to come in just before Reynolds.
But before Bryan Cranston became one of the world’s most prolific actors, he quietly threatened Strummer’s time with a three-hour 20-minute marathon of his own in New York in 1985.
