The song Billy Corgan wrote instead of killing his parents
The relationship that Billy Corgan had with his parents was notoriously difficult. The Smashing Pumpkins leader was the product of a divorce and later had to contend with a stepmother that he alleges was abusive both physically and emotionally. Corgan’s father was “eccentric”, to use Corgan’s own words, who dealt drugs and carried guns during his life as a musician. As a kid, Corgan became withdrawn, not wanting to show the effects that his childhood trauma had on him.
Throughout the 1990s, Corgan dealt with the public notion that he was benefitting from his darker tendencies. ‘Zero’, from 1995’s Mellen Collie and the Infinite Sadness, directly referenced this as Corgan proclaims “I’m in love with my sadness”. From the suicidal ideation of ‘Today’ to the disturbed emptiness of ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’, Corgan couldn’t escape the idea that he was wallowing in his own self-pity. But according to him, there was a clear root to his problems.
“The other notion that I enjoy being a twisted neurotic person is ridiculous, you know,” Corgan told the Australian music programme Rage in 1993. “I am this twisted neurotic person because my parents didn’t assume the responsibilities they supposedly had when they had me, and, you know, that’s what I’m dealing with, whatever.”
“Again, it gets back in the myth. People think I enjoy being this uncomfortable person, you know, and I don’t, you know,” Corgan added. “I’ve never fit in, and I’ve never fit in because of the person I am, or I’m not or whatever, but deep down inside, I wished I had just been a normal stupid kid like everyone else out there.”
Corgan found the perfect way to channel those feelings when he became a songwriter. For the Siamese Dream single ‘Disarm’, there was a debate among critics as to whether Corgan was discussing abortion in his lyrics. The real inspiration, in reality, came much closer to home as Corgan dealt with the pain and emotional burden that his parents caused him.
“The reason I wrote ‘Disarm’ was because I didn’t have the guts to kill my parents, so I thought I’d get back at them through song,” Corgan added. “And rather than have an angry, angry, angry, violent song, I’d thought I’d write something beautiful and make them realise what tender feelings I have in my heart and make them feel really bad for treating me like shit.”
Check out ‘Disarm’ down below.
