Does Gary Numan know he’s older than Gary Oldman?
Here in Britain, we are rightly concerned with the dwindling use of the name Gary. It’s reported that each year, fewer babies are named Gary and Garyologists have predicted that by 2050, the name will essentially become extinct.
As a lover of many Garys in cultural history, I think I can speak for many when I say, what a crying shame this is. Gary Lineker is single-handedly responsible for two of British culture’s greatest moments. The first was when he shat himself during the 1990 World Cup, and the second was his inspiration for Glastonbury’s greatest ever flag: a blank white sheet that read “Gary Lineker shags crisps”.
This great nation was built on Garys, and if the 2050 projections are indeed true, I worry what awaits us in a crispless, shitless, humourless future.
The twisting web of the Gary legacy entangles further when you acknowledge the bizarrest coincidence that sits in between two of our country’s most beloved. Pioneer of electronic music, Gary Numan, and master of the big screen, Gary Oldman. Together, they represent the intersection of the name’s fate.
The former, looking as the alternatively named “new-man” looks forward to the future, a future where the name slowly dies out and the legacy of this quintessential British man slowly dissolves. The latter represents something more traditional, emboldened by a performative cockney accent and a willingness to share a pint; the “old-man” of the Garys represents a stoicism that refuses to see the name die out.
Of course, the surnames of these two Garys pointing to different directions of the timeline is relatively simple enough. But it takes a slightly bizarre turn when you look at their respective birthdays. Gary Numan was born on March 8th, 1958, while his namesake was born just 13 days after on March 21st. Their birthdates contradict their representations and, in fact, make the electronic musician Gary Numan, the real Gary Oldman.
“I’m not surprised I’m older than the other Gary,” Numan admitted, “I’ve never met him, so I can’t say which of us looks older, but I seem to be older than everyone I meet now”. Spoken like a true Gary, someone perennially told by the general public that his name is antiquated.
But I’m not having that Gary. You are, after all, a forward-thinking pioneer of electronic music, one who blended genres at free will. The sort of skill only a man named Gary could master, for the very foundations of that name are solid, strong and constant amidst whatever experimentation and chaos stands around him.
While he may be 13 days older than Oldman, Numan can simply never be seen as the “old-man”. Oldman, on the other hand, is an actor steeped in artistic traditionalism. One whose grit and brilliance remind us of the stoicism of old, resilient in the face of pressure. What Oldman lacks in age compared to Numan, he makes up for in wisdom, and thus makes him the true “old-man”.
Now we’ve got that settled, realising Numan does in fact know he’s older than Gary Oldman and both have now validated their respective names, my brain is suitably fried by all these Garyisms. I’m going to go watch Léon: The Professional and listen to ‘Cars’ to commemorate this triumphant victory in protecting the sanctity of our two great Garys and the nomenclature we must protect.
