The Worst Song in the World: Alien Chicks utterly loathe ‘Yellow’
About 20 years ago, Mr Muscle was just a cleaning product. A few scholars sipping Hobgoblin might have thought of it as a means to make cleaning a capitalist enterprise, but they certainly wouldn’t have bent the ear of too many punk bands with their murmurings. But we live in strange and serious times, and now it seems pertinent that Alien Chicks choose to muse on Mr Muscle as a means to dissect society.
Along the way, they find laughs and languid realisations in equal measure as they express tricky existential sentiments, such as, “Craving simple lives that need more purpose is the catch 22; Stress or depress? The inexorable T-junction”. They offer up many similar questions on their new EP, Forbidden Fruit, which is both profound and stupid in the best way.
This mix of mania and rumination has made the punk trio one of the most keenly attended concerts in the London area, whether they set their sets beyond comes down to whether they can be arsed—as they put it themselves, stress or depress, that is the modern question. But it’s not the only modern question. There are things discussed in the pubs of its country beyond the claws of capitalism, such as, ‘Where do you stand on Coldplay, mate?’
That’s a question that Alien Chicks relish and adroitly dodge that Peep Show quote as they lay into the ‘band’. So, ahead of the arrival of their new EP and the live dates that go along with it, we decided to let them vent their spleen in a manner other than their ear-splitting music, as they walked us through the many faults in the worst song ever written.
The worst song in the world, according to Alien Chicks:
Alien Chicks’ verdict: “We would like to talk about ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay — or as we call it, Fifty Shades of Beige. This song is what happens when a sleep-deprived astronomy student picks up a guitar and decides to serenade a banana. From the very first note of that limp, apologetic guitar riff, it’s clear we’re about to enter a realm of mediocrity so vast it deserves its own postcode. You know you’re in trouble when the highlight of the song is the colour yellow.”
“Chris Martin’s voice in this track sounds like he’s trapped in a never-ending dream sequence where someone keeps asking him about his feelings. He croons the word ‘yellow’ like it personally betrayed him, softly sobbing it into the microphone like a man who just found out his favourite plain yoghurt was discontinued. There’s more passion in a voicemail from your dentist.”
“And the lyrics? ‘I wrote a song for you, and all the things you do, and it was called Yellow’. The entire track feels like the musical equivalent of someone staring longingly at a Post-it note while sighing heavily. It’s a four-minute existential crisis sponsored by IKEA furniture and mild weather.”
“In conclusion, ‘Yellow’ is less a love song and more a musical beige flag. It’s the sound of someone realising mid-song that they left their laundry in the wash too long. If Coldplay wanted to write a track that felt like getting ghosted by a cloud, they nailed it. This song didn’t brighten our day — it gave us seasonal depression in the middle of July.”
Needless to say, the band have endeavoured to ensure that Forbidden Fruit, which is set for release May 9th, doesn’t fall foul of such beigeness. In fact, it’s so colourful that it could take your retina off if you’re not careful.
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