The movie Judi Dench knew was doomed from the start: “You could tell from her expression”
Sometimes, an actor knows their latest movie is fighting a losing battle from the second they step onto the set for the first time, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Funnily enough, when Judi Dench felt that way, the end result was the worst film she’s ever had the misfortune of being in.
Understandably, your mind may immediately wander toward Tom Hooper’s excruciating Cats, but the cursed musical isn’t the culprit. If anything, Dench wore the stage adaptation’s embarrassing failure like a badge of honour, luxuriating in her ‘Worst Supporting Actress’ nomination landing her on the Razzies shortlist for the first, and so far only, time in her distinguished career.
Every thespian takes at least a couple of paycheque gigs, and the diminutive icon’s cash-grabbing roles have always been obvious. There’s no rational reason for her co-starring with Vin Diesel in The Chronicles of Riddick, but she thought it sounded fun and he love-bombed her into doing it, even if she didn’t have a clue what it was actually about.
For a long time, the slap-headed action hero’s Pitch Black sequel and Cats were the only two times audiences could watch a Judi Dench film and reasonably ask, ‘What the fuck is Judi Dench doing in this?’, but as Yoda would say, there is another. Not that many people saw it, right enough, but 2020’s Artemis Fowl is undoubtedly the nadir of her esteemed list of stage and screen credits.
Presumably done only as a highly-paid favour for her friend and frequent collaborator, Kenneth Branagh, it’s the worst-reviewed movie Dench has ever made. She also looks ridiculous, kitted out in a garish green costume and wearing pointy ears as Julius Root, an 800-year-old elf who looks like she’d rather be anywhere else.
His comments may have been intended as tongue-in-cheek, but co-star Josh Gad’s recollections of working with her hit the nail squarely on the head. “We did a scene together, and you could just tell from her expression that she’s like, ‘Why did I do this movie? Why did I ask them to kill off my character in Bond? Daniel Craig is so much more professional than Josh Gad,'” he told Entertainment Tonight.
It’s hard to think of anyone who’s ever looked less interested in being in a movie than Dench does in Artemis Fowl, especially looking as stupid, in which she delivers her dialogue with all the enthusiasm and conviction of a hostage reading out a pre-prepared statement from their captors claiming they’re been treated well, when the reality is anything but.
Disney, who invested the not-inconsiderable sum of $125 million into the production in the hopes of launching a franchise, knew it was shite, too. The picture was pulled from cinemas and sent straight to streaming, before being removed from Disney+ completely in May 2023. The studio that made Artemis Fowl was happy to disown it, and since the only way to watch it anywhere is to pay for the privilege, let’s hope nobody has been brave, foolish, or wasteful enough to lay eyes on it since then.
Gad may have been trying to crack a gag, but if you look closely enough, you can see those exact thoughts crossing Dench’s mind in every one of her scenes.
