NME has lost it: Here’s where the awards should have gone
The NME Awards, an annual music awards ceremony delivered to pander to PR companies, record labels and the latest mainstream darling, has returned for yet another loathsome edition.
With awards attempting to celebrate what an out-of-touch publication considers to be outstanding achievements in the music industry, honouring artists, bands, and other figures who have made forays into the industry with the heavy financial backing of their wealthy beneficiaries, the latest instalment offers yet another timid and cringe-inducing collection of musicians who walk arm in arm with their bank manager.
The awards, typically covering various categories, including ‘Best British Band’, ‘Best International Band’, ‘Best Solo Act’, and ‘Best Live Act’, have included a crucial new addition to the event: ‘Best Band Social Media’. We could stop now, eh? Maybe that’s all that needs to be said on the matter. Alas, on we go.
The ceremony typically features live performances from nominated artists and other notable acts in the music industry, but the less we talk about that, the better. The winners are chosen through a combination of public voting and, as press material informs us, “a panel of experts”. Christ.
Regardless, in a step to demonstrate further proof that the NME is entirely out of touch with the musical map of the nation, we thought we could look at their awards show from last night and tell you who the deserving winners should be, in our humble opinion.
The N̶M̶E̶ Far Out Award awards:
Godlike Genius Award: Suede
Far Out Choice: The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Hey NME, we loved the 1990s as well, but come on, we have had anaesthetic appointments with more verve than that selection. Not only has Brian Jonestown been a band for years with continual great music and evocative performances, but Anton Newcombe’s dedication to the alternative scene makes him a Godfather of sorts. A slightly odd but golden godfather.
Best British Band: Kasabian
Far Out Choice: Errrnng – wrong. Hookworms have been the most progressive and direct band of the last 12 months by far. Channelling not only the growl and grit of the youth but displaying it with effective and effortless aplomb.
Best International Band: Foo Fighters
Far Out Choice: Wrong again! There’s a theme developing. Surely the best international band has to be Parquet Courts. Apart from actually producing a good album and being in some way relevant to a generation, they are insistent on constantly developing themselves. Ahem, Dave Grohl. Remember that chord change you wrote eight years ago? Yeah, just stick with that.
Outstanding Contribution to Music: Teenage Cancer Trust
To be fair to NME (and I won’t say that again), they hit this one out of the park in fairness to them. Though not really very musical more events and ticketing, but stick to what you know, I guess.
Best Solo Artist: Jake Bugg
Far Out Choice: Mac Demarco surely has to be the winner here. Not only is he the nicest bloke on the planet, but Salad Days was an incredible album, and his artistry far outweighs the cry of an under-privileged childhood being pampered like the arse of a Roman emperor with nappy rash.
Best New Band: Royal Blood
Far Out Choice: Although Royal Blood really did make a splash in the arsehole of Radio 1 (and that’s not discrediting them, it was one hell of a splash), something about their leather jackets turning in to Givenchy Biker Jackets makes us wanna heave. Therefore we think Hinds (FKA Deers), the garage-punk band from Madrid, embody the spirit of their tense environment and make truly catchy tunes amid truly terrifying chaos.
Best Live Band: Royal Blood
Far Out Choice: We are not denying the massive energy and sound Royal Blood bring to any live show, but there is, without a doubt, one more visceral and caustic band out there at the moment. Fat White Family have to be the best live band we have seen in a generation. Go on, name someone better.
Best Album: Kasabian –‘48:13’
Far Out Choice: Eagulls – Eagulls. The phrase breath of fresh air comes to mind when you first put this record on, but by the end of it, you have experienced an all-out shock to the system. This is indie done properly, away from the prying eyes and grubby mits of an all-consuming industry.
Best Track: Jamie T – ‘Zombie’
Far Out Choice: ‘Continental Shelf’ Viet Cong. Forming out of the despair of losing a band mate former members of Woman’s Hour came together to form Viet Cong. Their post-punk industrial sound crashed across another kaleidoscopic scene and turned escapism into brutal reality.
Best Video: Jamie T – ‘Zombie’
Far Out Choice: The once-a-la-mode artist Jamie T seems to have hit a magical brick wall, and man, has it fucked up his image. We think it better the award go to those cross-dressing brothers The Garden with ‘I am a Woman’.
Best Festival: Glastonbury
Far Out Choice: We literally think there are too many to mention, from Dot to Dot and Beacons to the amazing Primavera. There are so many we are shocked by the dullness of Glastonbury.
Best TV Show: Game Of Thrones
Far Out Choice: I’m pretty sure only fannys like Game of Thrones, so we would much rather watch the chilling and almost career-defining role for Matthew McConaughey in the amazing True Detective. Plus, it has Woody Harrelson in it. Case closed.
Best Music Film: Pulp: A Film About Life, Death And Supermarkets
Far Out Choice: Although we love Pulp, and we really do, we struggle to see how a film that was not able to be viewed in the UK (from a UK band!) has won this award. We’ve gone back to the front then and given you the US band Girlpool and their documentary Things are OK, which is available in the UK.
Worst Band: 5 Seconds Of Summer
Far Out Choice: Kasabian, with their bullshit beards and stupid “we’re still working class, honest” attitude, there is enough to make you puke. They then have to do the stupid thing of trying to make a record and then even make us listen to it! Tut-tut boys, it’s time to rest up now and don’t make another album.
Best Band Social Media: Liam Gallagher’s Twitter
Far Out Choice: We have a no-vote. What a pointless fucking category. They should just have ‘The Most Internally Deranged with Access to the Internet’ as a category next year. It would make Liam Gallagher’s winning all the more elementary.
Dancefloor Filler: Iggy Azalea / Charli XCX – Fancy
Far Out Choice: This makes us weep. With fantastic artists like the recently featured Romare, there must surely be more eyes in the NME office to see past the bleeding fucking obvious. ‘Motherless Child’ has to win.
Best Lyric: Happyness: “I’m wearing Win Butler’s hair/There’s a scalpless singer in a Montreal rock band somewhere.”
Far Out Choice: A funny lyric, no doubt, but Courtney Barnett’s recent effort from ‘Pedestrian at Best’ takes the gong for us.
“Put me on a pedestal, and I’ll probably disappoint you. Tell me I’m exceptional, and I promise to exploit you. Give me all your money, and I’ll make some origami, honey.” – Courtney Barnett
We know it’s not fun to laugh at the challenged in life, but my God, did NME make it easy for us. By including prehistoric bands such as Kasabian and Foo Fighters, it shows the neglect they have paid to the upcoming musicians out there. There are musicians actually working every day and grafting for a small slice of acknowledgement. The kind of musicians who would have actually been thankful for the award. Not the kind who receive royalties on a daily basis and pay more attention to their bank balance than their society. I guess NME are looking out for their own, then.
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