The movie Jeff Goldblum apologised for making: “I have my wallet, if you want a refund”
Love him or hate him, Jeff Goldblum has countless fans around the globe.
There is just something so disarming about his weirdness, his ability to make even menacing characters seem like they might start humming a jazzy tune at any moment, and his absolute refusal to fit the tone of any movie he’s in.
Cinematically speaking, Goldblum has very little to apologise for, but since we’re here, let’s consider some of the contenders. 2008’s Adam Resurrected was pretty questionable, featuring the actor as a famous entertainer who is condemned to a concentration camp during World War II, where he is forced to live like a dog. Convinced at times that he is, in fact, a canine, the character eventually receives a message from on high that he may actually be the Messiah.
Then there was also that 1995 film called Hideaway, in which he played a dad who is brought back from the dead by an experimental drug and finds himself living as a murderous demon in his sleep. It had Stephen King aspirations but was pure Tommy Wiseau in execution.
It should also be noted that Goldblum was in Mortdecai, one of the worst films ever made. In fairness, he was subordinate enough that his name didn’t appear on the poster, and it’s really the work of Johnny Depp that deserves the blame. As far as I know, Depp has yet to apologise for the film, or anything else he’s done that he should apologise for.
Given this track record, it’s anyone’s guess which film Goldblum would apologise for, and the moment in question took place during an interview with Josh Horowitz on his Happy Sad Confused podcast, while discussing the actor’s filmography. When the topic of the 1985 film Transylvania 6-5000 arose, Horowitz admitted that he and his brother had walked out of it, explaining, “It didn’t work for us”, adding that it was the only Goldblum film he didn’t like.
There aren’t many people who would disagree with his condemnation of Transylvania 6-5000. Directed by Rudy De Luca, it stars Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr as reporters who travel to Romania in search of Frankenstein, with Geena Davis as a horny vampire, because why not, and while the film received poor reviews, things were even worse behind the scenes than the on-screen results suggest.
Davis, who married Goldblum two years later, remembered that De Luca was so incompetent that they regularly fantasised about making the movie without him. During auditions for the movie, he insisted that she sit on his lap and let him bury his head in her breasts because one of the characters would be doing that in the film. The production was so unhinged, she remembered, that she and her co-stars “nearly turned to anarchy.”
When Horowitz told Goldblum that he had walked out of the film, the actor didn’t seem personally offended, nor did he rush to provide some of the behind-the-scenes context that Davis has.
Instead, he said, “I’m sorry. I apologise”, and began to reach towards his trouser pocket. “I have my wallet right here, if you want a refund.” If only everyone could apologise so freely.
