Totally Wired: Mark E. Smith’s Manchester Pub Crawl
An iconoclast with a razor-sharp wit and an even sharper tongue, Mark E. Smith formed The Fall after watching the Sex Pistols’ era-defining 1976 concert at Manchester’s Free Trade Hall alongside Factory Records founder Tony Wilson and the future members of Joy Divison. Despite being born in Salford, he has come to embody the music culture of Manchester. Here, we’d like to celebrate that legacy by taking you on a crawl around the city.
In Public Image Ltd’s ‘Rise’, John Lydon sang that “anger is an energy”. Smith clearly took that sentiment to heart, developing a reputation for breaking into wild fits of rage, torturing journalists and generally frightening those he came into contact with. During his final interview with The Guardian, Smith proudly declared that he could still “clear a pub” when he wanted to, something which must have made finding a quiet spot for a pint much more straightforward.
There’ll be nothing quiet about today’s proceedings, of course. Over the years, Mark gave numerous interviews from pubs across the city, meaning that we can now offer you this: the Mark E. Smith Manchester Pub Crawl. One of our key sources was an article by Terry Christian for I Love Manchester, in which he recalls drinking with Smith in ’80s Manchester. Using this and other interviews with Smith as a guide, we’ve stitched together what has to be the ultimate pub crawl through this iconic city.
This five-stop crawl includes some of Mark E. Smith’s favourite places to drink across the city and even a couple of places to eat along the way. We’ve ensured each stop leads to the next and put together a handy map at the bottom so you can follow the route for yourself. Come on, let’s get on it.
Mark E. Smith’s Manchester Pub Crawl:
The Whistle-Whetter: The Crown & Kettle
Location: 2 Oldham Rd, Ancoats, M4 5FE
Recommended arrival time: 12.00
Whenever Terry Christian came to Manchester to interview Smith, the pair would kick off the day with “a few pints of Greenall Whitley’s bitter” at Tommy Ducks. Sadly, that particular watering hole bit the dust many years ago now. So, instead, we’ll be starting our crawl (which, for maximum effect, should start around midday) at The Crown & Kettle, a spot mentioned during Uncut’s interview with Mr Smith shortly before his death in 2018
One of the last places you’d expect to see a curmudgeon like Mark, this upmarket pubic house – all open fires and exposed brick – was one of the Fall frontman’s favourite spots to watch the “freaks”, as he frequently referred to them. Sat on the corner of Oldham Road and Great Ancoats Street, there’s nowhere better to savour a couple of pints and stir up the grey matter before heading down to a more permanent spot.
The Safe Haven: The Briton’s Protection
Location: 50 Great Bridgewater St, Manchester M1 5LE
Recommended arrival time: 14.00
After those early afternoon pints, you’ll want a breath of fresh air. Head across the main road and follow Oldham Street through Manchester’s Northern Quarter, passing by the slew of after-work drinks places around Picadilly Gardens (unless you want to watch the freaks, that is). Keep straight; after 15 minutes or so, you’ll wind up outside The Briton’s Protection, a riverside spot frequented by Mark for many years.
It’s here we’ll be doing the bulk of the day’s drinking, staying put until late afternoon/early evening. It’s a better place than any – The Briton’s Protection is one of the oldest pubs in Machester and offers a pretty solid selection of real ales. If you’re looking for something more robust, we’d recommend sampling the Protection’s 300-bottle specialist whiskey collection, something Mark would certainly have approved of being a whiskey man himself.
Eat Yourself Fitter: Efe’s Turkish Restaurant
Location: Bird of Prey (49A Charles St, M1 7DF) Deansgate Food Bar (343 Deansgate, Manchester M3 4LG)
Recommended arrival time: You’ll know when your stomach knows
The best pub crawl commanders take the hunger of their troops very seriously. That’s why we’ve included one of Mark’s favourite spots to eat after a whole day of drinking. Just a beer mat’s toss from The Briton’s Protection, Efe’s was where Mark and Terry Christian would go for a “kebab and chips” after the pub closed at 3pm. This was back in the 1980s, and Efes has since shut up shop. But fear not; we have an alternative.
It’s going to be pretty late in the day by this point, and if you’ve been doing things properly, you should be nicely sloshed. As such, proximity is essential. Efe’s was perfect because it was basically around the corner. For that reason, we’d recommend hitting up either Bird of Prey on Charles Street or, alternatively, Deansgate Food Bar, where you’re sure to find the most satisfying of booze sponges, the greasy kebab.
The Final Jar: The Old Nag’s Head
Location: 19 Jackson’s Row, Manchester M2 5WD
Recommended arrival time: No later than 21.00
Now you’re nicely satiated, let’s get back to it. Depending on where you’ve chosen to pick up your food, it should be about a 10-15 minute trot to The Old Nag’s Head, where Mark would wrap up the day with “a final jar or two”.
Nestled on Jackson’s Row in the city centre, this traditional boozer is a bastion of unpretentiousness in a city now bursting with small-plate restaurants and cocktail bars. Offering affordable ales, a couple of pool tables, a video jukebox and live music on Friday and Saturday, it’s here we’ll be seeing out the night with a pint of Timothy Taylor’s.
Encore: Manchester BierKeller
Location: The Printworks Withy Grove, M4 2BS.
Recommended arrival time: 00.00 – 03.00.
Some say it’s better to leave them wanting more. Those people have clearly never organised a pub crawl. Even if you’re only thought is of resting your head on the concrete and getting a nice bit of shut-eye, you need to remember that a drinking troupe moves at the pace of its thirstiest member. Therefore, you must always keep a surprise watering hole up your sleeve. Luckily, this one just so happens to be on the way to the train station.
“If I was going straight back down to Derby on the train rather than staying at my Mam’s house in Old Trafford,” Christian writes. “[Mark] escorted me to Piccadilly train station and a final pint of best bitter at the Bier Keller on Piccadilly Approach.” Like Mark, you too can dance to the sound of the Oompah band at this Bavarian-themed bar. Serving an array of German beers – in pints, steins, flaschens and keggies – this pace has got lager coming out of the metaphorical wazoo. It also does a lot of things fried in batter, which will come in handy if you need to placate a hungry friend having a second wind.
