Hear Me Out: Madonna’s ‘Die Another Day’ soundtrack is so bad, it’s amazing
The Bond franchise is built on tradition, with everything from James Bond’s smart black tux to his snarling adversaries adding to a plethora of familiar signifiers that let the audience know exactly what they’re watching. Built over the course of 60 years and fostered under the watchful eye of actors Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig, the traditions of 007 are held dearly to the untouchable cinematic establishment.
As well as the scantily-clad love interests, shaken martinis and bizarre gadgets is the James Bond soundtrack, an original theme tune uniquely created for each and every 007 movie. Hand-crafting sublime scores, the likes of Adele, Paul McCartney, Billie Eilish, Nancy Sinatra, Tom Jones, Jack White and Alicia Keys have each contributed to the audible legacy of Bond, fueling the action of his adventures with rousing energy.
Naturally, for all the very best soundtracks of the series, there must be the very worst, with Madonna’s score for 2002s Die Another Day being the undisputed champion of this undesirable crown.
Supposed to reflect the desperation and torture that Brosnan’s Bond went through at the start of Die Another Day, Madonna’s efforts end up being excruciating in it’s own unique way, being so different from the soundtracks of her fellow 007 performers, for all the wrong reasons. Opening the tune sounding like an automated answer-phone message, the iconic American musician, whose life is soon to be turned into a movie, proceeds to put together a totally incomprehensible performance, like a fine-art student who has crammed their final presentation into the final day and has no idea what they’re doing.
As if mocking the listener, shortly after she repeatedly states, “I guess, die another day”, Madonna goes off on an ad-libbed riff, whispering, “Sigmund Freud, Analyse this. Analyse this. Analyse this,” as if to invite a deep break-down of her words. Is there a secret Pandora’s box of answers if we did a little deeper? Or is Madonna simply trying to paper cracks on her own tune, giving it a mystery that simply doesn’t exist?
The fascinating disaster goes deeper when you find out that Madonna has a cameo role in the 2002 film, however, becoming the first-ever singer to perform a Bond films soundtrack whilst also depicting a character in the film, donning a black leather corset to take on the role of Verity, a mysterious fencing instructor. “I see you handle your weapon well,” the singer says to Brosnan’s Bond before he returns a lewd comment, “I have been known to keep my tip up”. It’s a strange, cringey interaction that sees Bond go on to tighten Madonna’s corset whilst she describes a peculiar case of steroid abuse at the Sydney Olympics in 2000.
“I don’t like cockfights,” she utters to Bond and newfound nemesis Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens) before they engage in fencing combat, leaving the scene never to be seen again. It’s a hasty cameo that, in combination with her strange theme song, which makes reference to ‘breaking cycles’, ‘shaking up systems’ and ‘destroying egos’, makes for a truly bizarre impact on the history of 007.
