Feuds, fragile egos, and male pattern baldness: how ‘Fast & Furious’ made a mockery of its own mantra
For almost 25 years, the Fast & Furious saga has talked about family so much that it’s become a running joke. If anyone dared to try a drinking game that stipulated they neck a shot anytime somebody said it, they’d end up dead before the halfway point of a franchise marathon, with the memes taking on a life of their own.
Vin Diesel’s figurehead, Dominic Toretto, is a man of simple taste; he hates any form of clothing with sleeves, and he loves his family, both real and surrogate. However, it’s become increasingly ironic that kinship has been bludgeoned across audiences’ heads as the key recurring motif of Fast & Furious because, behind the scenes, the camaraderie descended into rampant egomania a long time ago.
When Dwayne Johnson boarded the cast beginning with the fifth instalment, trouble would always brew when Diesel was no longer the biggest or most bankable bald-headed member of the roster. Sure enough, the two eventually became so antagonistic that they wouldn’t even shoot any scenes together, causing ‘The Rock’ to exit stage left.
The former professional wrestler publicly criticised Diesel for his pandering attempts to lure him back into the fold, especially when he invoked the name of the late Paul Walker. Johnson unequivocally stated that he was done with Fast & Furious for good, at least until a fat stack of cash arrived at his door, causing him to break that promise in the tenth film when he popped up for a mid-credits cameo and another spinoff.
Tyrese Gibson called Johnson out for focusing on his first offshoot, Hobbs & Shaw, at the expense of a Fast & Furious flick, adding yet more bad blood to the mix. This came after the latter, who it should be noted is a very bald man, improvised an insult where he criticised the former – who, obviously, is also a bald man – for the size of his forehead, despite the fact neither of them has anything above the eyebrows.
Speaking of bald folks, when Jason Statham entered the fray, he became involved in a ludicrous contractual tête-à-tête with his chrome-domed compatriots because all three of them have become accustomed to contractual clauses that don’t allow them to come out on the losing end of an onscreen altercation.
Of the three, Statham’s extensive martial arts experience means he could probably batter Diesel and Johnson in a real scrap, but that’s not how it works in the movies. Instead, they came up with a points-based system for each blow dished out or taken so that none of them ended up throwing a huff at one – or both – of the others, being interpreted as the real victor by an audience who couldn’t have cared less when they were only there for the mindless escapism of it all.
Being follically challenged isn’t a prerequisite for participating in the pettiness surrounding Fast & Furious, either. Michelle Rodriguez once threatened to quit unless the studio and the writing team stopped sidelining the franchise’s female characters, which was at least a valid point.
Obviously, that’s not quite the same as refusing to look weak in a fictional brawl, even if it is endemic of how it took the series 20 years, nine movies, and a spinoff to pass the Bechdel test when Rodriguez’s Letty and Jordana Brewster’s Mia finally had a meaningful conversation while the lads showed themselves happy to bicker and moan about throwing stage punches and existential dick-measuring.
While some of the legacy stars have kept flying the flag for family, it would be fair to say that others have not. 99% of actors would read a fight scene, learn the moves, and shoot the damned thing, not get embroiled in intense negotiations trying to figure out who gets to hit who, why they’re hitting them and how they’re going to get hit in order to maintain that their fragile egos aren’t shattered into a thousand pieces.
