‘Gonks Go Beat’: a strong contender for cinema’s worst-ever Shakespeare adaptation
Cinematic history is bursting with adaptations of William Shakespeare. These films usually fall into three categories. The first is faithful recreations, period-accurate translations of the bard’s work from stage to screen. Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet takes this to the extreme, covering every single inch of the unabridged text over a 242-minute runtime. Then, there are adaptations that keep Shakespeare’s language and story but change the setting, with Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet and Joel Coen’s The Tragedy of Macbeth being the more obvious examples.
The third strand of Shakespearean filmmaking is the loose adaptation. These are the movies that follow a similar plot to a classic tale but alter pretty much everything else. 10 Things I Hate About You is The Taming of the Shrew in an American high school. The Lion King is Hamlet on the African savannah. She’s the Man is Twelfth Night with football. The list goes on.
Centuries after his death, Shakespeare continues to provide fertile ground for filmmakers, for better or for worse. In the case of the latter, there might be no greater example than a bizarre British film from 1964, Gonks Go Beat.
The plot of the movie, which Robert Hartford-Davis directed, goes something like this. In the future, the world is divided into two distinct tribes: the inhabitants of Beatland, who wear trendy clothes and listen to hip music, and those who live on Ballad Isle, who prefer a more conservative style of living. They have been at loggerheads for longer than anyone can remember, which leads to a race of aliens issuing a decree. If the two sides cannot come to an agreement, then they will suffer the consequences.
If you’re thinking that sounds absolutely insane, then you’d be right. It is a truly bonkers film, painfully anchored to a time in culture that has had absolutely no staying power. If you’re wondering, the ‘Gonks’ mentioned in the title were a short-lived fad in the UK for small, furry toys with googly eyes stuck to them. In the story, they are the inhabitants of their own planet.
What has this got to do with Shakespeare? Well, as it turns out, the hopes of the human race lie on the shoulders of a Beatland boy and a Ballad Isle girl who have forged a forbidden romance, not unlike two certain residents of Verona. They’re not the focus of the story, though. The main characters are Wilco Rogers, the aliens’ representative played by ‘Carry On’ actor Kenneth Connor, and Mr A&R, a record executive portrayed by Frank Thornton, who is probably best known as Captain Peacock from the BBC sitcom Are You Being Served?
The cast for Gonks Go Beat is just as odd as its storyline. Alongside Connor and Thornton, it includes Terry Scott, best known for his comedic partnership with June Whitfield, Jerry Desonde, a star of the music hall era, and Arthur Mullard, a disgraced comedian. Then there are the musical guests: Lulu, a popular singer who performed the theme tune to the James Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun; Graham Bond, a founding figure of British rhythm and blues, and Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker, future members of the rock supergroup Cream.
Sadly, none of these big names could make Gonks Go Beat any good. Films like this go to show that, even with the backing of the greatest writer in the history of the English language, there is still room for improvement. A lot of room.
