The 10 worst movie titles of all time
There’s no magic formula to concocting the perfect title for a work of cinema, but that doesn’t mean it’s difficult to come up with one that isn’t terrible.
It sounds obvious, but labelling any picture with a spiralling bowl of word salad or any other form of ridiculous grammar can often be used as a stick to beat it over the head with, should the end product turn out to be anything less than stellar.
There have been so many features made over such an extended period of time that the bad titles are just as capable of lingering in the memory as the short, sharp, and to-the-point examples that stand proudly as the monikers of cinematic greatness.
Star Wars, Jaws, Apocalypse Now, Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The Searchers, Pulp Fiction, and many more; all of them favour brevity and are seared into the cinematic consciousness as a result. The following ten? Not so much, and it’ll make anybody wonder how they were signed off on as the final titles.
The 10 worst movie titles:
10. Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (Hugh Hudson, 1984)
Everybody knows who Tarzan is, with Edgar Rice Burroughs’ tree-swinging creation having been a pop culture staple for centuries at this point, so the last thing anybody needed was a portentously-titled moniker that hammered home the solemnity of the film.
In fact, there are a number of different titles that could have been used, and they all would have gotten the point across in exactly the same way, with less word salad to contend with. And yet, it was decreed the verbose mouthful was the best option.
It could have been Greystroke: The Legend of Tarzan, Tarzan: Lord of the Apes, The Legend of Tarzan, or simply Tarzan, and everybody would have known it was a Tarzan movie. Instead, this was what Warner Bros. plumped for in a flagrant disregard of brevity.
9. The Chumscrubber (Arie Posin, 2005)
The biggest question anybody was interested in having answered when Arie Posin released his movie was a simple one; what the fuck is a chumscrubber, and why does it sound so inherently off-putting?
It sounds like a very unseemly profession to hold, and while Jamie Bell’s protagonist, Dean Stiffle, doesn’t have the most enjoyable of lives in the scathing satire of American suburbia left to rot to its own devices, it’s hardly the sort of title that instantly convinces people it needs to be seen.
If anything, it sounds like an insult that would be hurled between children on the playground or some sort of disgusting act that only those of a very particular disposition have even heard about. Oi, mate, how about a quick chumscrubber round the back?
8. Come Back to the 5 & Dime Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean (Robert Altman, 1982)
Yes, Robert Altman‘s dramatic comedy was based on a play bearing the very same name, but some things work infinitely better on the stage than they do in cinemas, and this nonsensical nomenclature was among that number.
The story is simple, unfolding within a small shop where an all-female fan club for the iconic James Dean reunites decades after his death in 1975, but there’s a high chance trying to tell somebody the movie was great would have resulted in them falling asleep before it was recited in its entirety.
It’s not a bad film by any stretch, but it should never take so much exertion to simply relay the name of a motion picture. Go back to the shorter titles Robert Altman, Robert Altman, and never make the same mistake again.
7. Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx (Waris Hussein, 1970)
On the plus side, this one is at least entirely descriptive and reflective of what happens in the movie, and it’s got Gene Wilder leading the cast, so there’s that.
Playing Aloysius ‘Quackser’ Fortune, the wayward protagonist’s family have failed to try and usher him into the world of work due to his fondness for shovelling horseshit and selling it for flower gardens instead.
When Margot Kidder’s exchange student catches his eye, her impending departure from the Emerald Isle sends him over to New York City in an effort to continue fanning the flames of love. As mentioned, it sums up the film, but it’s not very easy on the eye or tongue.
6. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (Tom Elkins, 2013)
Supernatural horror The Haunting in Connecticut made a lot of money at the box office relative to its budget, so the genre dictates that a sequel was an inevitability, which is fine.
It was one of those ‘inspired by true events’ deals, too, which left the studio in an awkward position when there were no more real-life terrors to adapt. Deciding to throw a rogue middle finger up at common sense and geography, the follow-up upped sticks and headed to a different state.
It’s called The Haunting in Connecticut 2, but the action takes place in Georgia, with the two states roughly 900 miles apart. Why bother with the subtitle or the shift in location, then? It doesn’t matter why; there was a nascent franchise to maintain.
5. Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mamma’s Hung You in the Closet and I’m Feelin’ So Sad (Richard Quine, 1967)
Another one based on a play, and another one that didn’t raise any eyebrows when the filmmakers voiced their desire to lift it verbatim and use it as the basis for a feature.
Is there a single person who saw this movie in cinemas who referred to it by its unabashed and unfiltered title? Surely not, because those are valuable seconds of a life that can never be clawed back.
It rhymes, sure, but half the running time is going to be used up if there’s a lapse in communication and the person being informed about the film didn’t manage to quite catch it the first time around. Shorter can often be better, and this is one of those times it should have been heeded.
4. Phffft (Mark Robson, 1954)
Other than opting for an onomatopoeic title, one of the many hazards presented by comedy Phffft is that there’s a distinct possibility 100 folks asked to pronounce it would offer 99 different responses. Is it an exhale? Is it a raspberry? Is it a more classic and clean-sounding approximation of a fart? Fuck knows, in all honesty.
In a recurring theme that hints maybe the finger of blame should be pointed at playwrights above all others for the worst movie titles ever, this one also originated on the stage before being used as the backdrop to a rom-com that didn’t decide it was worth altering up the verbiage.
Again, not a single soul thought it might be worth altering, leaving Phffft as an enduring example of why sometimes there’s no harm in ditching the source material’s name in favour of something less thunderously stupid.
3. F.A.R.T.: The Movie (Ray Etheridge, 1991)
It doesn’t matter how many guesses someone is given; there’s no way they’ll be able to guess what his dead-brained comedy is about. Spoiler alert; it’s farts.
Joel Weiss’ Russell loves farting, Shannandoah Sorin’s Heather does not. Thus, the plot for an entire motion picture is set into action, with almost every single second of its runtime devoted to the cultured arts of passing gas.
Quite literally, too. Russell is warned that “if they ever allow farting on television, you’ll never leave the house,” only for the youngster to turn on the television to discover that everything is, in fact, about farts. Farts as far as the eye can see and the nose can smell. This, dear reader, is why Martin Scorsese will defend cinema to the death.
2. Sssssss (Bernard L. Kowalski, 1973)
In a boardroom somewhere, the creative team behind Bernard L. Kowalski’s horror movie were confused, forcing them to ask each other what sound a snake made, having completely forgotten. “Sssssss” somebody replied, as they all gradually turned to look at each other as the lightbulb went off in their hive mind.
That probably isn’t true, but it may as well be because it’s forehead-slappingly dumb to decide that of all the possible titles capable of being cobbled together from the total collection of the English language, the best anybody could come up with is Ss.
‘Did you see Sssssss last night?’ ‘What?’ ‘Sssssss‘. ‘Are you OK?’ ‘Fine, just trying to ask if you saw Sssssss?’ ‘If I saw what?’ ‘Sssssss‘. It can’t be discounted that this was close to a real conversation that took place once, with anyone trying to relay the name of the film coming across like their entire body has succumbed to static electricity.
1. Can Heironymous Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? (Anthony Newley, 1969)
The 1960s was a haven for the near-the-knuckle British sex comedy, with Anthony Newley’s musical displaying how smart and complicated it was through its unnecessarily long title.
Merkin? Like the pubic wig, hilarious. Humppe? Like humping, uproarious. There are characters called Polyester Poontang and Filigree Fondle? Inspired stuff. Savaged by anyone unfortunate enough to see it, the title emerged completely unscathed compared to the shithousery that greeted the content.
It’s a very bad movie with an excruciatingly awful title, which places it right at the bottom of the barrel. Can Heironymous Merkin ever forget Mercy Humppe and find true happiness? In all honesty, who cares.
