Which classic Christmas songs didn’t even make it to number one?
It’s a moment that either ignites ecstatic festive cheer or a queasy pang of dread if you work in retail, but the true mark of Yuletide’s sleighbelled imminence is the moment you first hear a Christmas song eagerly spun on the radio or an in-store PA next to a stiffly dancing Santa.
It’s not the shelves stocked to the rafters with seasonal confectionery and advent calendars, too coldly commercial and sat on display as early as September to instil any real anticipation for holiday merriment. Neither do the TV commercials out-cosying each other with warm cockled adverts really hit the Noel spot, eye-rollingly crass and contrived in their calculated efforts in chasing hokey sentimentality.
Father Christmas, as he’s always done since the dawn of popular music, makes his jolly presence known the moment Noddy Holder screams, “It’s Chriiiiissssttmassssss!!!” on Slade’s eternal festive glam stomper, or glitter challengers to the ‘73 December charts, Wizzard’s ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ on serious heavy rotation.
You can never quite predict who will strike first. Will it be John Lennon’s paean to world peace on ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’, or ‘Wonderful Christmastime’s soggy synth snowglobe courtesy of Paul McCartney?
To nab a Christmas banger is a shrewd business move, ensuring near-certain annual royalties to keep you afloat for the rest of your life. It’s easy to forget, however, that numbers so essential to the UK Christmas songbook were in fact kept at bay upon initial release by the crowded cohort of other ambitious hopefuls gunning for the coveted festive number one slot.
So, which festive classics missed the number one spot?
Probably the last stone cold classic Christmas song that everyone remembers, but in the dark days of 2003, classic rock parody act The Darkness were the UK’s biggest band; their Permission to Land went number one, selling millions.
Lacking a number one single despite trying, Justin Hawkins and the gang tried to ride the festive wave with that year’s ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’, a double entendre ridden tongue-in-cheek slice of iced fun that was left eating the dust of Gary Jules’ sombre cover of ‘Mad World’ off Donnie Darko.
Who would have thought a Roland-Juno 60 synth and a LinnDrum machine could sound so ruddily winterfeld? Dropped in 1984, Wham!’s enduring ‘Last Christmas’ was facing stiff competition, chiefly from scousers Frankie Goes to Hollywood, who scored their third consecutive number one with the equally seasonal ‘The Power of Love’, but they too were kicked off the top spot by Band Aid’s charity effort ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. Dying on December 25th, 2016, Wham! frontman George Michael won a posthumous number one when his festive gem was ceremoniously sent to the chart peaks in honour of his memory the following year.
Likely most people’s favourite Christmas song, but The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl’s drunken ‘Fairytale of New York’ argument pulled the fairly fringe London-Irish folk punks to pop fame in 1987, penning a stirring number that touches on the pained and scarred ruminations that swirl around the Christmas season for so many loving but dysfunctional couples. However, Shane MacGowan’s finest moment would ultimately hold silver medal as Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Always On My Mind’ cover’ swooped past to gold that year.
The Pogues may stand tall as everyone in your local pub’s beloved Yuletide singalong, but Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ is the season’s unkillable Jack Frost monster, a mammoth whirlwind of aggressively good cheer and sleighbell pummel, reportedly adding a tidy $60million to Carey’s fireplace stockings in royalties alone.
Yet, when first landing back in 1994, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ crept up to a lowly number 12 on the Billboard Hot 100, and dwelt in an infuriating second place in the UK behind East 17’s furry parka and ski-booted ‘Stay Another Day’ ballad, earning primary songwriter Tony Mortimer an Ivor Novello songwriting award the next year.
