The Week in Number Ones: It’s the most woeful time of the year
Welcome back to The Week in Number Ones, where all the biggest chart movers from the US and UK charts get condensed into one article. Last week, we caught up with English football and their national anthem, ‘Three Lions’, while mentally preparing ourselves for the onslaught of Christmas songs. Elsewhere, we took a look at new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Eminem and his peak of commercial success with ‘Lose Yourself’.
I have to make a decision right here right now: how much Christmas music am I going to allow into this month’s series of columns? Ideally, the number would be zero, but that’s very unrealistic. When it’s all but guaranteed that a holiday jingle will top the charts at some point in both America and Britain, writing a column called ‘The Week in Number Ones’ and not talking about the number one song would be kind of silly.
My solution is simple: I’m going to get most of this out of the way this week. That way, when Mariah Carey inevitably takes over in just a few days time, I’ll have to speak less about it. Maybe I’ll have something substantial to say when ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hits the top of the charts, but probably not: I had plenty of columns last year talking about it anyway.
So this week, we’re going to run down some of the heavy hitters in seasonal sonic greetings and try never to think about them again. In the process, perhaps we can shed some light on why Christmas music is so popular and so polarizing. All that and more as we round up the best chart news of the modern-day and recent past.
Current UK Number One: ‘Anti-Hero’ – Taylor Swift
Britain has historically been less holiday-specific when it comes to their Christmas number ones (more on that in a little bit). Unlike America, it’s also not a guaranteed runaway victory for Mariah Carey every year – there are some other songs that make notable runs at the top of the charts every festive season.
The top of the pile is undoubtedly Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’. You know you’ve made an unkillable classic when everyone from Jimmy Eat World to Taylor freakin’ Swift is covering your Christmas song. I can’t remember when ‘Last Christmas’ took its official leap into iconic status, but it’s been a wonderful entry point for the holiday season’s start year after year.
Strangely, the UK tend to hold their Christmas songs at a distance. In a week where the US charts are overrun by holiday songs, there are only five Xmas tunes sprinkled throughout the top 20: Carey, Wham!, Ed Sheeran and Elton John’s ‘Merry Christmas’, Brenda Lee, and Michael Bublé’s version of ‘It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas’. Other than Carey, Bublé is always the biggest winner of the yuletide festivities.
But like I said earlier: more traditional pop music often rules the UK charts over holiday fare. We’ll get into some of the wackier and wilder examples down below, but maybe this year we can hold off the tide of Mariah Carey by keeping the almost Christmas-free top ten solid for another couple of weeks. That won’t happen, but maybe it’s worth a shot.
UK Singles Top Ten (Week of December 7th, 2022):
- ‘Anti-Hero’ – Taylor Swift
- ‘Made You Look’ – Meghan Trainor
- ‘Messy In Heaven’ – Venbee & Goddard
- ‘Miss You’ – Oliver Tree & Robin Schulz
- ‘Psycho’ – Anne-Marie and Aitch
- ‘Escapism’ – Raye ft. 070 Shake
- ‘Hide & Seek’ – Stormzy
- ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ – Mariah Carey
- ‘Last Christmas’ – Wham!
- ‘Rich Flex’ – Drake & 21 Savage
Current US Number One: ‘Anti-Hero’ – Taylor Swift
I’ll say this once and only once: ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ isn’t actually that bad of a song. Maybe I’ve fully lost my marbles, or maybe it’s early enough in the Xmas season that I’m not as jaded as I probably will be. But Mariah Carey’s unstoppable juggernaut of a yuletide tune has some solid hooks and positive qualities.
But the real problem is that it gets inescapable. How did this happen? Well, I actually wrote a whole guide to why ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ inevitably goes to the top of the charts every year. A dastardly shift in culture and chart rules are mostly to blame, with streaming services and the proliferation of the internet over radio working some magic in that regard too.
The point is: Mariah Carey has already won Christmas, and it’s still only the first week of December. But who else hangs around the top of the charts during this time of year? My other personal favourite (and apparently a favourite all across America) is Brenda Lee’s ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’, but then we get into some real schlocky territory.
Songs like Bobby Helms’ ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and Burl Ives’ ‘A Holly Jolly Christmas’ are holiday season staples, but they also have a real old-school music feel to them that keeps them from threatening the number one spot. The worst of those bygone-era songs is Andy Williams’ ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’, with its soaring strings and ridiculous pomp.
Last year, Wham! made a strong run at the top spot with ‘Last Christmas’. Jose Feliciano’s ‘Feliz Navidad’, Dean Martin’s ‘Let It Snow’ and even Perry Como’s ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’ all hang out in the top 20 at the moment. But if there were any justice in the world, The Ronettes’ ‘Sleigh Ride’ would go all the way to number one, replacing the yearly tradition of sending Mariah to the top.
Billboard Top Ten Singles (Week of December 10th, 2022):
- ‘Anti-Hero’ – Taylor Swift
- ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ – Mariah Carey
- ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ – Brenda Lee
- ‘Unholy’ – Sam Smith & Kim Petras
- ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ – Bobby Helms
- ‘A Holly Jolly Christmas’ – Burl Ives
- ‘Rich Flex’ – Drake & 21 Savage
- ‘Bad Habit’ – Steve Lacy
- ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ – Andy Williams
- ‘Last Christmas’ – Wham!
This Week in Number Ones: ‘Mr Blobby’ – Mr Blobby (#1 on the UK Singles Chart, December 11th, 1993)
Something strange seems to happen in Britain around the holiday season: everyone collectively loses their mind. Maybe it’s the stress of buying Christmas gifts, or maybe it’s the cold breeze putting everyone’s brains in cryostasis. Whatever the truth may be, when it comes to the battle for a Christmas number one, some of the most interesting and ridiculous songs have topped the charts.
Here are some holders of the UK Christmas number one over the years: Rage Against the Machine, Ed Sheeran, The Spice Girls (three years in a row!), LadBaby, The Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir, Nicole Kidman, and Bob the Builder. That’s a pretty diverse list, but easily the most batshit insane holder of a Christmas number one has to be Mr Blobby.
As an American, I grew up blissfully ignorant of the terror that is Mr Blobby. But apparently, he was (and might still be) a major figure in British entertainment. Originally appearing in the BBC programme Noel’s House Party, Mr Blobby went from a parody of a children’s TV mascot to an actual phenomenon in a remarkably fast time. By the end of 1992, Mr Blobby began to invade other areas of culture.
Somehow, it was decided that Mr Blobby really needed a hit single. Never mind the fact that he could only say the word “Blobby” – just get a choir of kids to sing the chorus instead. How about some anonymous professional singers to unfurl the tale of Mr Blobby? Sure, why not?
But the biggest setback for ‘Mr Blobby’ isn’t the main character’s limited communication skills. It’s the fact that the song’s writers and producers felt the need to throw ten different songs into one track, haphazardly stitching them together. In four minutes, ‘Mr Blobby’ goes from sci-fi drivel to farty circus music to children’s chorus to electropop, then circling back into itself like a snake eating its own tail.
Somehow, enough Britons decided that they wanted to hear this unlistenable song over and over again. ‘Mr Blobby’ got to number one a few weeks before Christmas, but it seemed likely that Take That’s ‘Babe’ would leapfrog it to nab the Xmas number one. Faced with the truly hellish reality of deciding between Take That and Mr Blobby, however, the general public chose Mr Blobby.
After one week with ‘Babe’ at number one, ‘Mr Blobby’ returned to the top of the charts for two more weeks, including that coveted Christmas slot. There are plenty of unknowable questions floating around the universe, but how the most annoying thing in the world got to number one will always be one that itches the back of my brain. I’ve listened to plenty of bad number one songs over the course of this column, but nothing has ever been as brain-breakingly stupefying as Mr Blobby.
UK Singles Top Ten (Week of December 11th, 1993)
- ‘Mr Blobby’ – My Blobby
- ‘I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)’ – Meat Loaf
- ‘True Love’ – Elton John and Kiki Dee
- ‘Stay (Far Away, So Close)’ / ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’ – U2 / Frank Sinatra with Bono
- ‘Controversy’ – Prince
- ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ – The Bee Gees
- ‘Please Forgive Me’ – Bryan Adams
- ‘Don’t Be a Stranger’ – Dina Carroll
- ‘It’s Alright’ – East 17
- ‘Again’ – Janet Jackson
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