The danger of divorced dad rock
It’s time people stop being so hostile towards musicians known today as ‘dad rock’. There’s a right and a wrong way to approach over-the-hill music, and people who like to claim that everything by acts like Paul Simon or the Eagles are now lame because of how old it is are selling themselves short on the interesting aspects of their catalogue. As the years went by, something started to change, though, and the divorced dads of the world had a genre to call their own once the late 1990s rolled around.
While it’s hard to quantify what kind of musical style every divorced dad rock band falls under, there’s a certain stink coming off of every band before they even start playing a note. It would be easy to lump in every single name in post-grunge on a list like this, but what’s the point in including people with actual passion behind them, like Foo Fighters, with bands that objectively sound like they aren’t trying?
Throughout the post-Nirvana boom, some of the biggest in music claimed to be speaking from the heart, but most of the time, they seemed like they were trying to make a quick buck off of people who were none the wiser. That way since people couldn’t get the Nirvana that they wanted back at home, they would have to settle for whatever the newest loner kid brooding onstage had to say.
Now that these artists are older, people are now strapping in for guys who sing like they are looking to have some beers with the bros for the weekend and act like they’re 27 at 40 while they absent-mindedly try to pay attention to their kids. While many of them are seeing revivals, here’s hoping that they do a lot less harm than most people think.
Five bands that best typify divorced dad rock:
5. Five Finger Death Punch
Each of these bands tends to have a trial of breadcrumbs leading back to metal. No matter how you slice it, this is the music intended for people who want to show the world how tough they are, and what better way to do that than with loud guitars? Although James Hetfield made that kind of sound okay for dads to work with during their Load era, Five Finger Death Punch is like every piece of that era went in a heavier direction.
Discounting Ivan Moody’s drunken tirades he’s shown his audience in the past, the group seems to have only one good song amongst their entire catalogue and are content to spend the rest of their lives bitching about stuff like mask mandates and how the world isn’t as tough or lonely as they are. While there’s a lot of raw pain on their records, there’s also an emotion known as compassion, and judging by the lyrics, Five Finger Death Punch has yet to learn what that means.
4. Creed
Every divorced dad rock act tends to get their start on the coattails of grunge. After all, the Seattle sound was one of the biggest things around in the 1990s, so why not try to follow in the footsteps of one’s heroes? There’s a right and a wrong way to do it, though, and Creed ended up crossing that line from a B-tier Pearl Jam to something that no one could remember without laughing a little bit.
While I’m going to be keeping the band’s Christian lyrics off the table, no one needs to know what the lyrics are about, given Scott Stapp’s nasally voice. From the minute ‘With Arms Wide Open’ starts, the man has a habit of singing exclusively through his nostril and making tough-guy sensitive music that speaks to those who don’t have a scene to go to. But what puts Stapp up there with the kings of the genre is his new song, ‘Name’, written about his son. Since he already had a tribute to his other son that he doesn’t talk to, you couldn’t sculpt a better case for divorced dad rock if you tried.
3. Godsmack
One of the hallmarks of dad rock is that everyone at least sounded like they were having a good time. As lame as someone like the Eagles sounded on first listen, you at least understood that Joe Walsh made everyone look like they were enjoying themselves onstage. You are not going to be getting any of that with Godsmack.
In terms of dad rock, this is the type of band made up of dads that only want to scold someone for leaving their toys out on the bar and choose to sing about the darker side of life. Although Alice in Chains is a perfect example of how to embrace that kind of darkness well, this is the poster child for the kind of band that dads enjoy at a biker rally as they deal while ignoring their rocky relationship at home.
2. Theory of a Deadman
While this might sound like borderline heresy, we were all much too harsh on Nickelback. Sure, Chad Kroeger had a voice that sounded like a man with a hernia, but he at least sounded like a guy with some conviction in his voice. So, while Kroeger and his cronies aren’t going to make this list, discount Nickelback has made more than a fair case for being one of the biggest divorced dad bands ever.
Despite their entire inspiration being to copy what the person next to them was writing, many of Tyler Connelly’s lyrics are some of the more disgusting in the dad rock pantheon. Looking at a song like ‘Hate My Life’ and ‘Bad Girlfriend’, all Connelly seems to want is to treat people like filth and get rewarded for it, which gets all the grosser in the former, where he talks about trolling on an underage girl. Then again, the latter does talk about someone being the ‘future ex-Miss Connelly’, so kudos to him for calling his shot here.
1. Staind
Out of every divorced dad band to come out of the musical swamp, nu-metal should be a prime target. After all, these bands were all about crying out in pain, but the greatest names of the genre knew how to evolve their sound and make something that the rest of us could appreciate as we grow older. Judging by what Aaron Lewis is doing with Staind, though, it’s clear that he would rather be polishing off shotguns than being anywhere near the stage.
Regardless of his songs about pro-MAGA rhetoric and being willing to say questionably racist things onstage, the music itself is the worst factor here, especially when he starts talking about turning into his old man on tracks like ‘Am I The Only One?’. Lewis might cop to sounding like a disgruntled dad these days, but this goes one step further than soulless divorced dad rock. This is teetering more towards the crazed uncle that no one invites to the summer barbecues anymore.
