The 10 worst Arctic Monkeys songs
Alex Turner once said: “There is always that one band that comes along when you are 14 or 15 years old that manages to hit you in just the right way and changes your whole perception on things.” For me, that was Arctic Monkeys, and they’ve been changing my perception of things ever since, staying perfectly in the artistic purple patch of refusing to falter but never once resting on their laurels.
Their latest album, The Car, was another progressive step. It brought Alex Turner close to a piss-taking over-egged rendition of his new rambling style but stayed clear of oblivion, instead, toeing the line of brilliant originality. It is that very valuable virtue that has served them well throughout their career so far. It is so hard to pick at the lows of their back catalogue, not just because I’m a massive fan, but also because when they have been lukewarm, they have done so in a blaze of glory fuelled by solid artistic intent.
Nevertheless, we’ve hurled enough credit their way to peruse the pitfalls in their back catalogue for once. We’re all human, after all, and the Sheffield gang clearly have enough humour in their ranks to enjoy a little bit of fun at their own expense. Moreover, the failures are so few that each bad track can be caveated with a rationale. Take, for instance, ‘Riot Van’ – which narrowly escapes this list – looking back it might be juvenile and twee but in its own way that was the beauty of their debut—it was happy to bask in the reverie of youth and the song still conjures that sense for me nearly two decades (gulp) on.
So, below we have looked to single out the stinkers that don’t have the safety net of context to save them. It’s worth noting that I would only actually condemn the two bottom entries to the ash heap of history, the rest have their own wee merits, but here we have – from least bad to terrible – the ten worst Arctic Monkeys songs.
The 10 worst Arctic Monkeys songs:
10. ‘Only Ones Who Know’
‘Only Ones Who Know’ from their sophomore album showed a sign of gathering maturity, with a lilting guitar tone and some stirring poetry. All that, in truth, might sound like high praise, and, indeed, it could have been. However, it would seem that Turner’s crooner side just didn’t have the conviction yet to fully send it up. Therefore, it sits awkwardly amid the frenzy of the record as a sort of forced note of sonic diversity, and that tragic lack of assertiveness leaves it coming off a tad boring.
However, if you venture into the depths of a chosen music streaming service, you will find a version from the unlikely source of Tony Christie that seizes the potential that the track first offered. He sings it with the tender conviction that Turner lacked in those days and turns up the dial of sepia-toned reflection with a shimmer of glittering strings. The original was close, but no cigar.
9. ‘One for the Road’
AM as an album that teeters close to the brink. I’m not contrarian enough to point the finger at their most successful record, why would I? It’s a jam. However, there are moments when you can hear them searching for the hook and it approaches the brink of commercial ‘catchy’ tropes. They always have the craft to skirt this and offer up individuality by effortlessly combining rock with hip hop, but on reflection to old ‘hoo-hoos’ in this one are pretty close to corny.
While there is more than enough vitality and sleek, sexiness to make this a toe-tapping groove, along with a forceful crescendo, there is not the usual depth in other departments. As a lyricist, the Monkeys frontman is renowned for his turner phrase and this outing seems a bit middle of the road, and a tad half-cut.
8. ‘Dangerous Animals’
Humbug was a daring expedition into desert rock and without it, I doubt the Arctic Monkeys would be the same band today. Whether you love it or loathe it, it pushed them on to scale new peaks of artistic development. However, ‘Dangerous Animals’ didn’t manage to achieve much more than establishing Turner as a fantastic speed speller under pressure.
To hear it live is a rapping spelling bee feat, but it’s just a bit grating on record. With a heavy riff that the melody struggles to lift, the whole thing just comes across as a bit unpleasant without enough going for it to make it an interesting patch of dissonance. That being said, there are lyrical moments in the verses that save it from slipping further down this list.
7. ‘Sculptures of Anything Goes’
The Car is an excellent album, but there is no doubt that it waxes and wanes. There are moments when you find yourself almost strangely infuriated. There are snippets where you find yourself laughing, wondering whether Alex Turner is taking the piss with a bit of self-parody. There are snippets when you – yes, even you who have followed them through thick and thin and been thankful for all your horizons that they have helped to broaden – crave the thrashy chorus of an old debut album classic. You might even wonder if such a clear focus on style has impacted the artistic sincerity of clear substance.
These are merely fleeting thoughts in an otherwise blisteringly fresh record, but they linger longest on tracks like ‘Sculptures of Anything Goes’. The song feels rambling, and despite an impressively impending soundscape, the wavering topline gives you nothing to cling onto, so you drift along approaching boredom. It’s a track that looks the part from a distance, but when you get chatting, it actually turns out to be a bit of a drag.
6. ‘Balaclava’
While the juvenile ways of ‘Riot Van’ had a youthful charm going for it. By the time ‘Balaclava’ came around you wonder whether they should have known better. They were floating around 22 years old at this stage; were they really still running about in their next-door neighbour’s garden? That slight faux rebelliousness just taints this track with a mild cringe.
The inclusion in this list, however, comes with an apology to Matt Helders who achieves hamster wheel speeds on the high hats to drive this skylark along. Thus, the song might be questionable, but if comes on shuffle in the gym then you’re still not hitting skip. There’s plenty of craft in the pause of the melodic chorus too, but all that can’t save it from the sense that it’s a bit dated and touched by artifice.
5. ‘She Looks Like Fun’
“I remember when I first started writing songs and writing lyrics, I really wanted to be able to write an ‘I Am The Walrus’-type song,” Alex Turner once said. “I found it very difficult. You listen to that and it sounds like it’s all nonsense, but it’s really difficult to write that sort of thing and make it compelling. Lennon definitely had a knack for that.”
Yes, the age-old problem with nonsense poetry is that if you get it wrong it simply sounds like nonsense. The rambling display of it here also lacks rhythm, creating a jarring mix that failed to hit the high standards set by the rest of the record. What’s more, it also features “Bukowski” and the less said about him the better.
4. ‘Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But…’
Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I Am Not is a masterpiece. In fact, it is the sort of masterpiece that time will not touch. When it comes to an accomplishment like that, you wouldn’t really want to touch a hair on its head. However, it seems that in the timeless eternity that the record will appeal in, the consensus would usually be that if you had to lose one song then it would be this one.
It’s trashy and it was, in a way, refreshingly heavy when it was released, helping to set them aside as an indie outfit with plenty in their arsenal. It also had a pointed intent about the poseurs who tagged along for the ride that now seems aptly prophetic. Nevertheless, it’s the skipper—it’s the track you could do without. It’s the one nobody will do their wedding dance to, get a lyric tattoo of, or request at the DJ stand. And now I feel sorry for it.
3. ‘The Bad Thing’
Dear me, the “dooooo” that opens this mishap is an assault against decency, and the air of laddish crassness in the lyrics does little to restore the music’s lack of decorum. The band have seemingly never played this track live, and it is fairly easy to deduce why. There might be a wry smile about the song, but that cheeky-chappy charm isn’t enough to save it from detention this time.
Perhaps the weirdest thing about the track is that although it seems almost misogynistic at first glance, Turner actually plays quite a progressive protagonist in an otherwise grim tale. If nothing else, this odious oddity at least has that going for it, because lord knows, it needs something.
2. ‘I Want It All’
When Ozzy Osbourne was presented with a modern bit of metal, he proclaims in a grovel that it is music to have a fucking brain aneurysm to. That is a bit like what ‘I Want It All’ is like listening to. This horribly irritating riff rattles about as pleasingly as a loose filling. Then there is something about the chanted vocals and the swampy topline melody therein that reminds me of the feeling of having food trapped between your molars that you just can’t wiggle out with your tongue.
There is a nice splattering of hotel room imagery on display that checks you into the imaginations room 505, but the music makes it an unpleasant stay. There might be flourishes and key changes along the line somewhere – in the same way that I’m sure a dentist drill develops its own poetic rhythms if you listen long enough – but I’m happy to never give it a chance.
1. ‘2013’
B-sides are just a bit of fun. They offer an artist a liberated space for a bit of exploration and by rights they should be saved from inclusion in this list, especially given that Arctic Monkeys are their finest modern proponent. However, ‘2013’ is inexcusable no matter what guise you frame it in. Trying to be prescient about the rise of technology in 2013 is like putting a tenner on a team who are 3-0 up with ten minutes left. And referring to an iPhone as a transmitter with a little shiny fruit on the back is neither big nor clever.
That might have been okay, but the chorus truly Chernobyls an already ill-fated disaster zone. It’s not quite a car crash, it is a six-car pile-up. If this arrived in my inbox from the PR of some unsigned band, I’d mutter they’re not getting anywhere and condemn it to the trash can. Fortunately, such follies from this band are rarer than a Chinese cheese sandwich, and I’ll be damned if the verse riff still doesn’t just have a little something going for it.
