The 10 most terrifying movie animals that could rival ‘Cocaine Bear’
Animals have prompted some of the most understandable phobias in human history, with large hairy spiders forcing arachnophobia, whilst an array of deep sea creatures have helped create thalassophobia, the fear of large bodies of water. But what if the most fearful animals of the natural world were made even more terrifying, even more erratic and even more unpredictable? What if they were wired on cocaine?
Such is (kind of) the premise of Elizabeth Bank’s new preposterous thriller Cocaine Bear. It’s a gloriously named movie that follows an eccentric group of cops, criminals and tourists who converge in a forest in Georgia, USA, to find a 500-pound black bear that has ingested a rather large quantity of gak. Starring the late Ray Liotta in his final acting role, we couldn’t think of a more joyous swansong to bow out on.
But the forthcoming release of the new movie has got us thinking about which animals could take on ‘Cocaine Bear’ in a one-on-one brawl to the death. This isn’t the job for any fantasy creature, so we’ve disregarded the likes of Godzilla and King Kong (let’s be honest, they would rip the bear’s head off anyway) to create a list of ten terrifying movie animals that could rival the titular coked-up carnivorous mammal.
Including films from the likes of Alfred Hitchcock, Terry Gilliam and Steven Spielberg, take a look at our list of vicious beasts who would give Cocaine Bear a brutal comedown below.
10 terrifying movie animals that could rival ‘Cocaine Bear’
10. Birds – The Birds (Alfred Hitchcock, 1963)
Known as the ‘master of suspense’ for a reason, Alfred Hitchcock created some of the most intense movies of the 20th century, with his 1963 film The Birds being one of them. Based on the short story by Daphne Du Maurier, the film follows a wealthy San Francisco socialite who pursues her lover to a small California town where the birds begin to inexplicably attack people from the skies.
Though the titular creatures might have dated a little in comparison to the sort of terrifying beasts we see on screen in contemporary cinema, the birds in Hitchcock’s film are vicious little critters. They would certainly put on a good fight against Cocaine Bear.
9. Cujo – Cujo (Lewis Teague, 1983)
Author Stephen King might be known for his menacing creativity when it came to his literary villains, evident in the sinister clown Pennywise in It and Jack Torrance in The Shining, but his creepy Saint Bernard in 1983s Cujo is one of his most underrated beasts. A genuinely scary pet-turned-beast, Cujo is the dog at the centre of Lewis Teague’s film of the same name that follows a friendly dog who contracts rabies and becomes a terrifying threat to a small American town.
A simple monster carrying a terrifying threat, Cujo is far more terrifying than you think he might be, and whilst he might get a few bites into Cocaine Bear, we don’t think he’d last too long against the drugged-up behemoth.
8. Spiders – Eight-Legged Freaks (Ellory Elkayem, 2002)
Movies about spiders are surprisingly few and far between, considering just how many people on the planet are terrified of the eight-legged freaks. Still, at least filmmaker Ellory Elkayem capitalised on the concept, creating the 2002 movie Eight-Legged Freaks, a horror-comedy flick that followed the story of venomous spiders that get exposed to noxious chemicals that cause them to swell to supersize proportions.
Starring David Arquette and Scarlett Johansson, the pulpy film has its fans, largely thanks to the memorable popcorn violence created thanks to the multitude of massive insects. Radioactive spiders vs drug-stimulated bear? Yes, please.
7. Piranhas – Piranha 3D (Alexandre Aja, 2010)
Beating Cocaine Bear will take something rather special, so how about taking the animal away from its home turf? Black bears might be solid swimmers, but we think a pack of Piranhas, specifically the multitude of bloodthirsty fish in Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D, could nip the mammal’s skin to smithereens. The 2010 film tells the story of a coastal town that falls victim to an underwater tremor that releases a score of prehistoric man-eating fish, leading to chaotic bloodthirsty carnage.
We know that we would steer away from fantasy creatures, but the piranhas of the 2010 film are pretty close to the real thing, save for their brutal savagery and terrifying, zombie-looking appearance.
6. Grey gorillas – Congo (Frank Marshall, 1995)
You rarely see gorillas in Hollywood movies, let alone a terrifying gorilla that could rip your limbs off. This is nearly exactly what director Frank Marshall gave to audiences in 1995 when he created Congo. It’s a film starring Laura Linney and Tim Curry that tells the story of an expedition in the African Congo that ends in disaster, forcing a secondary team to go in and discover what went wrong.
To cut a very long and stupid story short, an ancient civilisation had specifically bred a pack of grey gorillas to guard a diamond mine, with the group of human characters having to kill the poor monkeys with bullets and lasers to get to the precious stones. Still, given a fair fight, we think they could take on Cocaine Bear.
5. The Rabbit of Caerbannog – Monty Python And The Holy Grail (Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, 1975)
“It’s no ordinary rabbit, that’s the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on,” John Cleese’s Sir Lancelot the Brave warns in Monty Python And The Holy Grail before a knight foolishly enters its lair and is brutally killed by the innocent-looking fluffball. Retreating from the rabbit, Graham Chapman’s Arthur and his pack of knights only manage to kill the beast with the mythical might of the ‘Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch’.
How exactly would the rabbit have been killed without the explosive? We’re not too sure. Surrounded by mountains of skeletons, it is clear that the little white pet is not to be messed with, even if Cocaine Bear came a-calling.
4. Sheep – Black Sheep (Jonathan King, 2006)
You might think all the animals on ‘Old MacDonald’s farm’ were harmless country creatures, but think again! In 2006, filmmaker Jonathan King showed us just how vicious sheep could be, creating the movie Black Sheep, which featured a vast number of bloodthirsty farm animals terrorising a humble New Zealand farm. If you’ve learned anything from this list, it’s to be wary of each and every cinematic animal, no matter how cute they may seem.
If you see one of King’s black sheep, run, because these crazy-eyed mammals aren’t keen to be made into a nifty cardigan or a lamb chop. If we wouldn’t fancy our chances, neither would a certain charlie-white bear.
3. Crocodile – Lake Placid (Steve Miner, 1999)
As discussed earlier in this list, there’s surely no better way to beat the ferocious bear than to take it out of its natural habitat and plonk it into the water. In this environment, it would surely be no match for the crocodile in Steve Miner’s Lake Placid, a film that follows a small group of people trying to stop a gigantic reptile terrorising residents in Black Lake, Maine, with enormous gnashers and a menacing grumble.
We’d pay for VIP seats to see the croc of Lake Placid take on Cocaine Bear. It would be a marvel of a showdown with a bounty of merchandising opportunities where food vendors would thrive. But, with a scene in which the crocodile literally bites a bear in half, the reptile would surely win. Surely?
2. Green anaconda – Anaconda (Luis Llosa, 1997)
Once the bear had had its fun with the croc, we’d throw in the green anaconda from Luis Llosa’s over-the-top action horror thriller Anaconda. Coming up against a National Geographic film crew and an insane hunter who are trying to hunt it down, the titular anaconda is a terrifying cinematic beast that takes part in a number of gruesome sequences that genuinely make your stomach churn. Yes, we’re thinking of when Jon Voight’s Paul Serone is swallowed whole.
The film sets a convincing crew of killers against the snake, including Danny Trejo, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, and, strangely, Owen Wilson. Yet, the anaconda is only conquered after a tremendous amount of work. We would love to see how it would get on vs the bear.
1. Shark – Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975)
If neither reptile worked, and Cocaine Bear was still standing after having dispatched Lake Placid’s Crocodile and Anaconda’s titular snake, we’d chuck in the shark from Jaws to finish off the job. Sure, we could’ve gone with the ginormous shark from Jon Turteltaub’s The Meg, but honestly, we think the sharp-toothed fish of Steven Spielberg’s classic blockbuster would be enough to finish off the bear for good.
Introduced in an iconic opening scene, the shark from Spielberg’s Jaws prompted a fear of open water for almost an entire generation of film lovers, and we think if Cocaine Bear ever sees the film, he will develop thalassophobia too.
