‘Beans in My Ears’: The tragic novelty song that hospitalised multiple children
No, the kids aren’t alright. Boomers have been saying it for years, but the recent upsurge in TikTok brainrot content and AI slop being fed to younger generations is now giving scientific credence to the idea that certain forms of media are slowing down the minds of our children.
And yet, while some might be concerned about how confoundingly funny ‘skibidi toilet’ is to those of a certain age, and how the ‘six-seven’ phenomenon has entered the classroom, it’s far from the first time something banal and idiotic has sprouted legs and run amok, causing hysteria among parents and kids alike. Children have been doing dumb shit since the dawn of time, so this shouldn’t be treated as anything new.
For example, I’m able to recall that only a decade ago, a social media trend led to several children being hospitalised as a result of eating Tide laundry detergent pods. Sure, they look delicious, but if something is powerful enough to obliterate even the toughest grass stains on jeans, then it’ll do the same to your tender and squishy internal organs.
The thing is, as daft as all of these things children do as a result of something they’ve seen in the media, they’re not the ones who have come up with the ideas in the first place. Children lack a sense of creative originality and understanding of how virality works to be able to generate something moronic enough to catch on, so when you see your own child ready to chug a cocktail of weedkiller and shampoo, ask yourself: ‘Is this my fault?’
All the way back in 1964, a dangerous trend emerged in parts of the US that was certainly the fault of songwriter Len Chandler, the man responsible for creating an abhorrent earworm of a novelty song in ‘Beans in My Ears’. The song was then given to vocal group The Serendipity Singers, who recorded the most infamous version of the song that ended up doing much more harm than Chandler could have possibly expected.
The lyrics to the song are simple; they’re actively encouraging children not to put beans in their ears, and provide many warnings about how parents think it’s a bad idea to do this, and that you won’t be able to hear your teachers if you’ve got beans in your ears. It’s a positive, albeit ridiculous message to be spreading, but if you’ve ever met a child, you’d know that the first thing they’ll often do when explicitly told not to by their parents and teachers is rebel.
Twinned with the fact that it sounds like a jovial jingle that would appeal to children, then of course, children were going to do it. If Chandler really wanted to ward them off from doing such a thing, maybe he could’ve released it as a Leonard Cohen-esque dirge; it’s as simple as making it sound as unappealing as possible. Get an irresponsible adult to release a drill track today called ‘Shoplifting Gives You W Rizz’, and you can bet that supermarkets would go into meltdown.
Many paediatricians in the US complained that they were dealing with an uptick in cases where youngsters’ lugholes had been jammed full of legumes, and it eventually got to the point where the song was banned from being played on radio stations in certain cities. Bryan Sennett, one of the vocalists on the track, stated that it was “obviously… a statement about adults not listening to children,” and that the song was “dangerous.” Sure, Bryan, so why agree to do it? You’ve literally just proved your own point.
I’m no expert on the matter, but I know that if you make something seem hideously uncool, then children are going to steer clear of it. They might not necessarily know what they’re getting into all of the time, but they at least know that their credibility is a valuable thing, and if they’re seen as a square who won’t put beans in their ears – broad, haricot or otherwise – then they’re going to run the risk of being an outcast forever. They’re not being dumb; they’re following strict social codes by attempting to fit in. You’re the idiot for thinking otherwise.
