The 10 worst songs to ever reach number one

‘Stars on 45 Beatles Medley’

It’s hard to accurately quantify how huge disco was in the late 1970s. While it wasn’t nearly as bad as some rock purists would lead you to believe, the idea of people setting a ballpark on fire because of how much they hated the genre can only come from people playing it over and over again without fail. But if there was one thing that could get even the biggest disco apologists a little bit angry, it was the idea of them taking a disco beat and completely neutering some of the greatest songs of all time.

Then again, it’s easy to be forgiving of the ‘Stars on 45’ medley. The whole thing was only meant to get dance floors moving, but the idea of making different renditions of classic Beatles and putting them in conjunction with songs by The Archies is only going to make people realise how good the songs were to begin with and how much the medley itself is absolutely butchering them.

Say what you will about The Beatles, but they knew when they had gone too far overboard, and this is one of the more egregious examples of someone misusing The Fab Four’s music since the release of the Sgt Peppers movie around the same time. Then again, maybe we can look at this whole thing as a learning experience. Because, really, if they hadn’t coughed it up this bad, maybe the Love remix album of Beatles material would have sounded like this.

‘Because I Love You (The Postman Song)’ – Stevie B

The early 1990s were a very confusing time for rock and roll. There weren’t that many heavy hitters from the rock scene taking over, and with grunge still a full year away, a lot of what turned up on the charts around this time was either easy listening or pop artists that hadn’t quite hit their stride yet. There were some legends on the charts to be sure like George Michael and a young upstart named Mariah Carey, but how the hell did people let Stevie B get away with one of the biggest songs from that time?

It’s not even like the song is all that bad, either. The biggest names in music at the time were all about making easy-listening ballads, and this is no exception, but looking at everything else on the charts, there hasn’t been another song more indebted to its time than this. There’s nothing wrong with the tune, but chances are we’d be in for a short conversation if someone had to remember it past 1993, let alone in the 2020s.

Even though this one isn’t doing anything overtly offensive or annoying by any stretch, it counts on this list solely for being forgettable. There are a lot of things that have to be going in your favour to get you to the top of the charts, but if there’s one cardinal sin that should never be committed on the charts, it’s being boring.

‘Carnival’ – Kanye West

Most of you really don’t need me to rehash how far Kanye West has fallen since his early days. He seemed like a genuinely exciting artist when he debuted in the 2000s, but even if his material in the 2010s can be forgiven in some people’s minds, that hasn’t stopped his absolutely abhorrent behaviour whenever he’s outside the studio these days. But even if most people have wiped their hands of Mr West, the fact that he has fans that rocketed this song up to number one is a spit in the face to musicians everywhere.

Make no mistake, the entire Vultures era of his career has been one of the most disgusting album rollouts that anyone has ever made, but the fact that ‘Carnival’ stood out from the pack shouldn’t be some grand victory lap. West is still the same old antisemetic asshole that he had been for the past few months before the album came out, and looking at the lyrics on this song and the rest of the record, it didn’t seem like he was trying to change at all.

Although it took some of his fans one more instalment in the Vultures series to realise that he’s making truly awful music, that doesn’t excuse the fact that he was rewarded for it the first time around. It’s one thing to have a single song that has a few questionable morals, but when this is the most palatable moment on the entire record, it’s enough to make people rethink if it’s even worth digging up their old copies of The College Dropout or Graduation.

‘Afternoon Delight’ – Starland Vocal Band

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a song about sex on the charts. Although there have been more than a few parents that get more than a little bit snooty when they think that such filth is on the airwaves, what makes it even funnier is seeing artists actively lean into it a little bit more just to see if they can pop a few more monocles along the way. But whereas someone like Madonna was able to use sex to her advantage at every opportunity, ‘Afternoon Delight’ is one of the most painfully unsexy songs ever made.

While Homer Simpson did have many strange tastes in music, he did have a point saying that the Starland Vocal Band were absolutely trash in the 1970s. There’s the makings of a good song in here somewhere, and if it were a cute song about sunshine and rainbows, it would be an entirely different story, but the fact that this is trying to be a song about getting laid makes the whole thing feel like a joke, which probably explains why the only person that it managed to actually make horny is Ron Burgundy.

Then again, it’s not like it hasn’t managed to spin off a legion of imitators, either, since Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor practically made the modern equivalent to it in the 2010s with ‘Marvin Gaye’. No one should be a prude when it comes to a little bit of sex on the charts, but if you’re going to write a song like this, you have to commit. Otherwise, you’re left with a song like this where sex sounds like one of the most secondhand embarrassing things that anyone ever has to do.

‘Kokomo’ – The Beach Boys

There’s no proper way to thank The Beach Boys for the classics they’ve given us over the years. Brian Wilson’s ear was immaculate, and there’s hardly anyone who could produce the same amount of perfect melodies that he could over the years. But when looking at the band’s track record for great material, a lot of their luck on the charts seems to run out the minute Wilson left. That wasn’t going to stop Mike Love from giving us one of the most middle-aged rock songs of all time, though.

There are countless Beach Boys songs that are far worse than ‘Kokomo’, but given the fact that it made it to number-one in the country feels like a technicality more than anything. The 1980s were already a great time to be a boomer musician trying to cash in on nostalgia, but without Wilson there to add a little bit of his magic, the band went from the epitome of California sunshine to the kind of band that you’d be hearing on a cruise ship while a bunch of middle-aged dads sip cocktails.

That might be who this song was made for since it was in the movie Cocktail, but it’s not like it makes it any more appealing to those that were listening to people like Def Leppard and Guns N’ Roses at the time. There’s certainly a place for this kind of musical nostalgia, but if The Traveling Wilburys showed everyone that those supergroups could sound exciting, all this song manages to do is remind everyone why they regretted falling asleep on a deck chair on their first day out at sea.

‘Blurred Lines’ – Robin Thicke

Before the 2010s even ended, it felt like everyone collectively washed their hands of Robin Thicke. The fallout from his lawsuit had led to a massive overhaul of copyright laws, and given the rocky relationship drama that went into the album Paula, it’s not like anyone was willing to hear him make a depressing album about him throwing his marriage away. But even with no goodwill thrown his way, how the hell are we still living in a world where ‘Blurred Lines’ is still played in shopping malls around the world?

In all fairness, the groove from Pharrell Williams is as solid as ever, but the idea of making an entire song around being one of the most obnoxious pickup artists of all time is enough to give anyone secondhand embarrassment. Although Thicke had honed down his smooth loverman schtick years before this, hearing him make a song that’s giving off this many sexual predator red flags isn’t really what most people would have wanted to hear when the MeToo movement started to gain traction.

If anything, the fact that this song is still “relevant” nowadays only serves to prove how much of a problem people like this still are in the music world. It’s not exactly the worst tune in the world by any stretch, but if any lady is getting hit on by someone who’s only line is “I know you want it”, it’s probably in her best interest to get as far away from him as possible before he slips something in her drink.

‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ – Oliver Anthony

Let’s get one thing straight before we start this one: politics does have a place in the musical discourse. There are many artists that have made their points about the state of the world on both sides of the aisle, and making an entire blurb here about me debunking Oliver Anthony’s folk song is hardly fair. So let’s try to focus on the main problem that it has outside of its blatant ignorance of facts, which is that the song itself sounds like ass.

While the meaning of a number-one hit has been devalued in the age of streaming, the fact that ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ got to the top of the charts sounding like it does is a miracle. The whole thing is essentially a live recording of Anthony singing in the woods, and in between him complaining about his belief that fat people are living off of welfare, the fact that he sounds like he’s trying to pass a kidney stone isn’t helping matters. It does give off a sense of frustration, but whereas someone like Zack de la Rocha could sound mad singing political material, this sounds like a disgruntled dad yelling at his kid half the time.

But given what was happening around the time that this song hit the charts, it’s not hard to see why a lot of people fell for it when they sent it to the top of the charts. All they were interested in was the politics behind it and having someone who didn’t play by the rules, but if it all amounts to is a man blindly yelling up to the clouds about shit that he isn’t even accurate, it’s like he’s the modern-day Dylan or anything.

‘You Light Up My Life’ – Debby Boone

It’s hard to really knock the 1970s pop scene too much. When looking at every other year on the charts, artists were cranking out one classic after another, and no matter what genre you paid attention to, there was at least one great tune coming out nearly every month that could get people talking. But somewhere in between the dangerousness of Led Zeppelin and the inherent cheesiness of adult contemporary singers, there stood Debby Boone with a song that was wholesome enough to give your virginity back to you.

But that might be a bit too harsh an assessment for ‘You Light Up My Life’. The song itself is nothing more than a love song that was meant to soundtrack the movie of the same name, but judging by how scrubbed-clean the production sounds, it feels like everything that could have been cool about the recording has been stripped away. While there were more than a few cheesy artists around this time like The Captain and Tenille, this feels like the kind of tune that was handpicked by a committee who wanted the safest pop song of all time on the charts.

Which isn’t that far off, considering that Boone herself modelled the song off of her love of Jesus rather than turning it into any kind of romantic tune. It’d be one thing if she tried to make it a more conventional love song, but all she did was follow in her father’s footsteps of making truly unremarkable versions of what could have been decent songs.

‘Ebony and Ivory’ – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder

No one has earned the right to do whatever they want in the music industry as much as Paul McCartney has. He has helped write the greatest pop songs of all time, and even if he has his fair share of cheese, it’s not like everyone in his fanbase is musically lactose intolerant or anything. There’s definitely room for him to bring a few whimsical numbers into the equation, but there comes a point where some of the more sweeter moments in his catalogue go too far overboard.

Which is a shame to say about a song with two legends on the track. ‘Ebony and Ivory’ had the potential to be a great song, and while the melody itself isn’t that terrible, the 1980s production as well as the nursery-rhyme approach that both Macca and Stevie Wonder bring is enough to turn anybody off. The actual message of racial equality is great, but the music behind it feels more like an after-school special about why racism is bad most of the time.

While both of them recovered pretty nicely from this kind of tune with ‘What’s That You’re Doing’ on the same album, the fact that this song got to the top of the charts felt like it was given that distinction by birthright. Anything with two of the best melody writers of all time on it was bound to be good, but since that kind of star power was able to work on the charts, we’re not living in a world where even songs for a good cause like ‘We Are The World’ could afford to sound as faceless as it did.

‘Disco Duck’ – Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots

In the grand scheme of rock and roll, disco didn’t suck nearly as much as people made it out to be. It had hit its stride for a while, but even when it became oversaturated in the late 1970s, it’s not like it made songs like ‘I Feel Love’ any worse whenever it came on in the dance clubs. But if there was any reason for the genre to be put out of its misery, it should have been ‘Disco Duck’.

Then again, Rick Dees wasn’t looking to make the biggest song ever by any stretch of the imagination. He was making music in the same way that Weird Al Yankovic was making music, but even in the vast history of novelty songs, ‘Disco Duck’ is painfully unfunny. Granted, comedy is incredibly subjective depending on who you talk to, but when the punchline of the joke comes down to a guy that can do a half-decent impression of Donald Duck, it’s not like you’re going to give Mel Brooks or George Carlin a run for their money or anything.

But what’s even more egregious is how much money this one song made, eventually turning Dees into one of the biggest names in radio, being an encouraging enough side for him to make a follow-up ‘Disco-Rilla’, and become one of the most powerful men in radio for decades. It’s easy to look at any song on a list like this and get irrationally angry at the artist themselves, but when I say this is the worst song to hit number one, that’s out of respect. Dees knew the importance of self-deprecation, and while the tune is idiotic, I almost want to give it kudos for being so stupid.