Nicolas Cage is a vampire: Hollywood’s most preposterous conspiracy theory
Sometimes, you read a headline so strange, absurd, and utterly preposterous that it stops you in your tracks. On February 10th, 2012, such a headline appeared in The Hollywood Reporter, and I’ll repeat it here verbatim: ‘Nicolas Cage Denies Vampire Accusations’. In addition, a quote attached to the headline assured the eccentric star’s fans: “I don’t drink blood”.
Now, you may think this headline is perhaps referring to one of Cage’s movies, such as Vampire’s Kiss or Renfield, but you would be incorrect. You see, around this time, a conspiracy theory that Cage has always been an immortal bloodsucker began doing the rounds online, and it got such traction that the man himself was asked about it on national television.
This preposterous conspiracy theory goes back to 2011 when a mysterious photograph appeared on eBay. It was posted by a Seattle man who claimed it was a legitimate Civil War-era photo taken in 1870 of a dandy gentleman from Tennessee – who happened to bear an uncanny likeness to the internet’s favourite Nouveau Shamanic Hollywood star. The seller, who was asking for a mind-boggling $1million for the picture, listed it under the title, “Nicolas Cage is a Vampire,” and explained that he felt it was proof that Cage had been alive for at least 140 years.
The seller claimed the sepia-toned man posing for the photo “looks exactly like Nick Cage”, which is a bad start for any die-hard Cageheads. After all, there is no ‘K’ in his name – it should only be shortened to ‘Nic’. Egregious naming error aside, though, the seller continued: “Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire… who… reinvents himself once every 75 years or so.”
He theorised that, while Cage is a movie star in his current incarnation, 150 years down the line, he may choose to reimagine himself as “a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host”.
Amazingly, the seller engaged with a Q&A section on his listing, fielding questions on the veracity of his photograph and combatting the folks who tried to poke holes in his theory. When a prospective buyer noted, “Cage has aged terribly in the past ten years. He’s obviously not been drinking his daily amount of blood to stay young,” the seller responded with a theory that sounded highly plausible yet also crazy.
“My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point – maybe 70, 80 or so – then the actor ‘Nicolas Cage’ will ‘die’,” reasoned the seller. “But in reality, the undead vampire ‘Nicolas Cage’ will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again and ready to start all over.” Expanding on this idea, the seller posited that even if this undead Cage was to be vaguely recognised by someone as an old Hollywood actor, too much time would have passed for them to recall Cage’s name. Soon after that, the questions would likely die out altogether. Hey, you can’t fault his logic.
By September 16th, 2011, the seller had 78 different offers for his photograph – but on September 22nd, the listing disappeared into the internet ether, never to be seen again. What happened? Was the photo proven to be phoney, forcing him to take the listing down? Did vampire Cage not take too kindly to seeing his face all over the internet, so he exacted bloody vengeance? It’ll always be a mystery.
One thing is for sure, though – the real Cage knew about his supposed 19th-century doppelganger. While promoting the esteemed motion picture Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance on Late Night with David Letterman, Cage was shown the photo and asked to explain himself. The oddball star admitted, “There is a resemblance, but how can I be polite about this… it’s a slowed-down version of me.”
After taking this potshot at the long-dead Tennessee native’s not-so-good looks, Cage pointed out something so obvious that it’s shocking no one had thought of it before. “There’s a photograph of me,” Cage said, referencing the myriad times he’s had his picture taken by the media, “and you can’t take pictures of vampires. Now look, I don’t drink blood, and the last time I looked in the mirror, I had a reflection.”
This explanation theoretically puts paid to any serious consideration that Cage has always been an immortal bloodsucker – although it also can’t be denied that it’s the very thing a vampire would say to throw people off the scent. So, perhaps take it with a grain of (garlic) salt.
