Revisiting Nick Cave’s poignant advice on regret
Nick Cave shares a special bond with his fans, thanks in part to his monthly newsletter Red Hand Files. The platform allows the Australian singer to address complex topics in detail and deal with each one in his own nuanced fashion. No subject is off the table, with Cave covering everything from the reality TV show Love Island to grief and everything in between.
Cave uses the website for various reasons, and it’s likely just as rewarding for him as it is for those of us who subscribe. It allows the former Birthday Party frontman to channel his emotions differently in his songwriting, and questions from fans also prompt him to consider subjects he would typically leave buried.
In the 64th edition of the Red Hand Files in 2019, the primary topic was regret, and he also touched upon the difficulty of saying goodbye. Cave had received one question from an Australian fan regarding regrets that come with growing older, which he blended with another query about goodbyes.
Cave’s decision to combine these two subjects shows that the topics are inseparable in his mind, and his greatest regret is not having the privilege of saying goodbye. “Many of the regrets I have today seem to revolve around my past inability to say goodbye,” he wrote. “For many years my way of dealing with things was to cut and run and not look back. I was forever fleeing from something or someone or some place, a disastrous situation, for example, or my various addictions or ruined relationships.”
Although Cave didn’t discuss it directly in the article, you can likely assert he was referring to the tragic loss of his son, Arthur, when he mentioned a “disastrous situation”.
Cave continued: “This state of flight felt like a creative, motivating force, yet was actually completely devoid of reflection, and certainly unimpeded by the corrective influence of regret. I felt that if I ever stopped I would be eaten alive by the chaos that followed me around like a stray dog. It took many years before I found the resolve to turn around and stare down the imagined monster of my past. I found, when I finally looked, many ancient and festering wounds that a timely and heartfelt goodbye could well have healed.”
The entire passage is incredibly profound, but the most moving section is when Cave discusses why we should accept regret as an immovable part of life, and if we don’t feel regret, we’re not evolving as people. He mused: “Perhaps it is useful to see our lives as a series of failed or abandoned dreams, but to also recognise that these dreams are the very architecture of our humanity; to lovingly accept our shortcomings and lay them to rest in the knowledge that growth and regret go hand in hand, as do failure and potentiality.”
Cave’s advice on coping with regret is a refreshing take on the subject. Rather than seeing the emotion as a reason to drag you down, the Aussie believes they should be celebrated, and our regrets make up a crucial part of our DNA. It’s a challenging topic, with no right or wrong answer, but just like with the Bad Seeds leader’s music, Cave broached it from a left-field angle.
