Brown on Brown: Jim E Brown’s utterly explosive (imploding) self-interview
With titles as open and honest as ‘I’m About to Fall Over in ASDA’, ‘Come Back as a Flower’, and ‘I Saw a Bird Today’, the world seems to know Jim E Brown.
But as a pop sensation thrust into the spotlight at the tender age of 19, and already an alcoholic at that stage, how well does he know himself? With that quandary in mind, a quandary that has plagued every child star from Pelé to Drew Barrymore before him, we asked Jim E Brown to ask the questions to Jim E Brown.
Ahead of the release of his latest masterpiece, his 11th since emerging as a perenial 19 year old talent back in 2021 when his debut album, Jim E Brown Sings His Love Songs, arrived, we set the corduroy encrusted Mancunian up with the tricky task of the self-interview, an indulgent act pioneered by Truman Capote, and later copied by John Lennon who berated Capote’s first attempt.
While his new record, I Urinated On A Butterfly, speaks for itself, quite literally silencing the critics, now the boy behind it speaks for himself, too. In his brutally beige life, Brown has asked himself a great deal of questions. This is the first time he has written any of them down. [Introduction by Tom Taylor, reluctantly]
Jim E Brown – The self-interview:
What’s your name?
“My name is Jim E Brown”.
How old are you?
“I’m 19 years old”.
Are you an obese alcoholic with various degenerative conditions?
“Yes”.
Why are we having this conversation?
“I don’t know, really. I were asked to interview myself. I’m not sure what questions are standard to ask in interviews as I do not read. I find the act of reading to be abhorrent and filthy and most of all boring”.
But you’ve written six books?
“Yes, I’ve wrote six thus far and working on a new tome at the minute. Brown on Brown vol. 1, Brown on Brown vol. 2, Brown on Brown vol. 3, A Holiday with Mrs Higgins, Shattered and Brittany’s Burden are the titles currently in publication”.
Yes, I know, as I wrote them.
“Right”.
You are fat and repulsive. Are you the fattest person in the world?
“I often feel as though I am the fattest person in the world. If I am sat at pub or elsewhere I may have this thought then look around and see some other fatties but I feel as though I am the fattest, although I don’t know if this can be quantified scientifically as I’ve not weighed myself in several years (I’m terrified of seeing the number)”.
Do you dislike fat people?
“I dislike myself and I am fat, so yes I dislike some fat people. I dislike most people though, but not because they’re fat”.
What’s the happiest moment you’ve ever experienced in your life?
“I am physiologically incapable of smiling or laughing so it is very rare for me to experience happiness, if not impossible. But I do have fleeting memories from my past that provoke a piddling twinkle of happiness in the dark underbelly of my conscious mind.
“For example, I remember the day Dad took me to Greggs and we ordered sausage rolls and the cashier looked down at me and said ‘little boy, you look hungry, so I’m going to give you an extra sausage roll’. He patted me on the head and handed me the sausage rolls. I was shaking with excitement. But the shaking was too violent and I dropped the sausage rolls to the floor. As I bent over to pick them up, a ruffian grabbed them and ran off. I was despondent and began to weep uncontrollably. Dad didn’t like seeing me sad.
“He chased down the ruffian, a boy who couldn’t have been older than 14. Dad began to beat the boy mercilessly. He was crying as Dad violently ripped the sausage rolls from his hands and passed them back to me. They were soaked in blood and disheveled, however still retained some warmth. I ate them as I watched the scene unfold.
“The boy was crying as Dad continued to pummel and kick him. But Dad was a man of honour and integrity and when he saw the boy’s tears he stopped. He offered the boy his hand and helped him up. ‘Can I give you a lift home?’ said Dad. ‘I haven’t got a home. I’ve just escaped from the orphanage and am starving. That’s why I stole the sausage rolls,’ said the boy. Dad looked upset. He was contemplating. ‘I’m sorry for violently beating you. I’ve decided that I’ll adopt you, as you have nowhere to live.’ The boy smiled. ‘What’s your name?’ asked Dad. ‘Archie’s my name,’ said the boy.
Why was this moment happy?
“I can’t remember really. Maybe just the taste of the sausage rolls with a little bit of blood. I like the taste of blood, but usually I’m just consuming black pudding and things like that, not human blood”.
I remember when Archie moved in, I don’t remember it being a happy time. He was quite the bully and wreaked havoc on the house, tore up our family photos and caused Mum and Dad a lot of grief and strife.
“Yes, I suppose that’s true. He was very cruel to me, especially. But I can’t help but feeling sorry for him and his tragic life”.
When the crow pecked at his eyes, things took a turn for the worse.
“Yes, that’s true. He became even more destructive once he was attacked by that horrible bird. He was not blinded by it, but developed an intense hatred of birds and insisted on eating only bird products: eggs, chicken, turkey, duck, etc”.
It’s odd that Dad accommodated his dietary habits.
“Dad probably felt guilty about their initial violent encounter so felt he owed Archie a good life. Mum didn’t agree with feeding Archie poultry exclusively, so Dad went out of his way to sneak chicken nuggets and turkey dinosaurs under his pillow”.
Nancy’s father was also quite fond of chicken nuggets and turkey dinosaurs.
“Well, when I dated Nancy, it was rather heavenly because her father owned a turkey dinosaur business. So in addition to the beautiful and intense love that Nancy offered me, there was also an unlimited supply of chicken nuggets and turkey dinosaurs. I do miss that woman but my heart still aches because of the cruelty she inflicted on me when she suddenly ripped her love away from me”.
That was very painful, but at least I’ve moved on.
“Love is never easy. My relationship with Brittany has fallen apart. I suppose I shouldn’t have lied to her and told her I was sober. I am a crippling alcoholic. Part of me feels bad that my lying provoked her relapse”.
It might have happened anyway, but it was so cruel of her to begin dating Archie. I can’t help but think she simply wanted to get revenge on me by dating a troubling figure from my past.
“It was an absolute betrayal when she began dating Archie. But I knew their relationship would be short-lived. Brittany is a beautiful woman with an incredible spirit. And Archie is a troubled ruffian who is incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, especially in a romantic context”.
It was just absurd that they got married so quickly. They had so little in common. Brittany is a vegetarian and doesn’t eat poultry, which is all that Archie eats. And he has that godawful metabolic disorder, MSUD.
“Maple syrup urine disease?”
Yes, maple syrup urine disease. A genetic metabolic disorder that makes his sweat and urine reek faintly of syrup.
“My family home always reeked of maple syrup when Archie lived there. Brittany must have been appalled by the odour of his urine. Even healthy urine smells foul, but maple syrup urine is markedly worse. While I am not perfect, I do not have MSUD and my urine smells benign at best. I feel this makes me superior to Archie. And it makes Brittany’s betrayal all the more painful”.
Are you working on any new music?
“No. I don’t really enjoy making music but I’ve just released a new album entitled I Urinated on a Butterfly”.
It’s quite shit.
“All of my music is quite shit. The only music I really enjoy is Kraftwerk, Coldplay and the American band Phish.
Yes.
The excruciatingly beautiful I Urinated On A Butterfly is out now, and you can check out Jim E Brown’s forthcoming tour dates here.
