Glastonbury 2023: Five winners and five losers of the festival
There we have it; Glastonbury Festival is said and done for another year. Festivalgoers from the 2023 iteration are making their way back in their droves; some sore-headed, others spiritually enlightened, all probably with their fair share of sunburn and a bag of cherished memories to boot.
This year we saw a widely-criticised all-white male cast of headliners in the form of Arctic Monkeys, Guns N’ Roses and Elton John, each of whom performed with starkly varied levels of gumption and crowd reception in the coveted slot on the iconic Pyramid Stage.
Meanwhile, there were far-more celebrated acts playing all across the Worthy Farm site, including Lana Del Rey, Lizzo, Blondie, Christine and the Queens and good old Cat Stevens in the ‘Legends’ slot on the Pyramid.
As the final cleanup is made and the scaffolding is brought down for another year, we are taking a look at five undoubted winners and five likely losers from Glastonbury 2023, from a secret set to a set that didn’t take place at all.
Five winners of Glastonbury 2023:
Dave Grohl
By the time the so-called Churnups came to play their set on the Pyramid Stage on Friday evening, there was little doubt that it would end up being the Foo Fighters. The band played through a one-hour set, including a performance of ‘Show Me How’ with his daughter Violet.
“You guys fucking knew it was us this whole time,” Grohl told the crowd. “We’re not good at secrets.” Thankfully, though, the set was full of great tunes, and Grohl cemented himself as one of Glastonbury’s all-time greats once again.
Rick Astley
The most memed man on the internet was an absolute triumph at this year’s festival. He played the Pyramid at Saturday lunchtime and treated the early risers to his big hitters ‘Never Gonna Give You Up, ‘Together Forever’ and ‘When You Need Somebody’.
However, it was not just Astley’s own tunes that would comprise his electric performance. He also ran through a cover of Harry Styles song ‘As It Was’ before getting behind the drumkit to play the classic rock anthem ‘Highway to Hell’ by AC/DC. Astley was simply a marvel at Glastonbury 2023 before he’d even played a Smiths set with Blossoms later on.
Christine and the Queens
Those wise enough to eschew the Saturday night Pyramid offerings of Guns N’ Roses might have been lucky enough to catch one of the best sets of the week in the shape of Christine and the Queens, who headlined the Woodsies stage.
Singer Chris played the entire show topless and, with the backing of his band, tore through several numbers from across the back catalogue. The most iconic moment came right at the set’s conclusion, with Chris screaming his lungs out to the amazing version of ‘Big Eye’.
Lizzo
There had been much scrutiny over this year’s headliners, primarily for the fact that they were all white blokes of one demographic or another. When Lizzo took to the stage immediately before the much-maligned Guns N’ Roses, it became clear that she should have been already headlining the night.
The star was said to be “co-headlining”, but clearly, she is far more deserving of a slot of her own. Her set was one of the best of the week. Donning a pink boiler suit with green dyed hair, Lizzo treated her fans to some of her biggest anthems and has definitely put herself in the running to headline Glastonbury soon.
Elton John
An air of scepticism hung thick in the air for Elton John to close the Pyramid Stage on Sunday, and many festivalgoers wondered if he still had it in him. Well, by even halfway through his headline set, John had silenced the critics and proved that he has some serious bangers in his catalogue.
John banged away at his piano like he had been his entire life, singing his heart out and treating us to brilliant versions of ‘Rocket Man’, ‘I’m Still Standing’ and ‘Tiny Dancer’ to name but a few. Bringing out the likes of Rina Sawayama and Brandon Flowers was a nice touch too. Elton was easily the best headliner of the weekend.
Five losers of Glastonbury 2023:
Guns N’ Roses
While the Arctic Monkeys set drew its fair share of criticism (and its subsequent defence), there was an entire backlash against the absolute shitshow that was Saturday night’s Pyramid closers Guns N’ Roses. It was a comical affair watching the rock “legends” scuffle their way through a diabolical set.
Axl Rose was tantamount to an elderly jogger, and if it were not for the amazing guitar-playing skills of Slash, then we might just have seen the classic rock band actually booed off the stage en masse, which would have probably done us all a favour. Guns N’ Roses were simply a shambles, and Lizzo certainly should have been preferred as a headliner.
Lana Del Rey’s hairstylist
Lana Del Rey was one of the most anticipated acts of the weekends, headlining the Other Stage as a welcome pop antidote to the classic rock horrorshow being showcased over on the Pyramid. However, by the time Slash was ripping into a guitar solo, Del Rey was still nowhere to be seen.
After coming out half an hour late, she apologised to her fans, saying, “I’m so fucking late that I’m super sorry. I’m about to rush the set; my hair takes so fucking long to do. If they cut power, they cut power. I’m super fucking sorry. My hair takes so fucking long.” The set was cut short, both Del Rey and her fans looked dejected, and the hairstylist likely got her P45 in the post.
Japanese Breakfast’s tour manager
While Del Rey’s set was cut to much disappointment, at least she made it on stage for a short time. The same could not be said for Japanese Breakfast, who had to pull out of the festival due to logistical travel complications. If Del Rey’s hairstylist got it in the ear, we dread to think what’s happened to Japanese Breakfast’s tour manager.
She wrote on her Twitter page announcing the pullout, “Well Glasto… we hustled out of Luxembourg at 9pm, woke for customs at 3am, and again for a 6am ferry, hired an additional driver to floor it for our 12:30 set. Due to various travel delays out of our control, we are just not able to make it in time. We are devastated.”
Digga D
The wonders of Glastonbury is that it’s not all about the big headliners and the showstoppers; there’s plenty of new music to get into as well. When fans turned up at rapper Digga D’s set on Saturday, they might have expected more actual rapping to take place.
Unfortunately, Digga D seemed to hardly rap along to his tracks at all. When the crowd were less than receptive to D’s tame efforts, he told the crowd to “loosen up” as though it were their fault for him not looking to be bothered at all. D won’t have won himself any new fans with his poor offering.
Alt-J
Once upon a time, Alt-J might have drawn a hefty crowd, but according to this year’s festival, it appears that those days are long behind them. The indie pop-rockers brought a decent set along with them to the Park Stage, but the problem was the other acts playing at the same time.
With Elton John drawing one of the biggest crowds at any Glastonbury at the Pyramid and Queens of the Stone Age cranking up the gain at the Other Stage, Alt-J were left with some serious empty pockets in their festival crowd. It’s no shame to be outdone by bigger (and better) acts at Glastonbury, but Alt-J will have likely left feeling a bit hard done by.
