Shirley Manson, the lead vocalist of alternative rock band Garbage, has penned a brutally honest article discussing her history with self-harm.
The article, published as an op-ed for the New York Times, is titled ‘The First Time I Cut Myself’.
Manson opens up and details how, as a teenager, she began cutting herself with a knife while suffering from depression and involved in a toxic romantic relationship. “I suddenly felt I was part of something much bigger than this stupid situation I had found myself in. To my mind, my life had just immediately become more grand and expansive,” she wrote.
“The problem of course with any practice of self-harm is that once you choose to indulge in it, you get better, more efficient, at it.”
After removing herself from the aforementioned toxic relationship, Manson explained how her tendencies to self-harm stopped. However, years later while on tour with Garbage, she found herself battling the same urges to cut herself once more: “I was under immense physical and mental pressure. I was a media “it” girl, and as a result I was lucky enough to be invited to grace the covers of newspapers and fashion magazines all over the world,” she continued.
“Perversely, the downside of attracting so much attention was that I began to develop a self-consciousness about myself, the intensity of which I hadn’t experienced since I was a young woman in the throes of puberty. I was suffering from extreme “impostor syndrome,” constantly measuring myself against my peers, sincerely believing that they had gotten everything right and I had gotten everything so very wrong.”
“Mercifully, most likely because of the rigorous demands of touring and an understanding that cutting myself was not something I really wanted to get back into, I managed to resist the compulsion to harm myself again. I muscled my way through the frustrations, the sick, unhealthy comparisons and the peculiar, destructive feelings that drove me to believe I wasn’t enough,” she continued.
“Today I try to remain vigilant against these old thought patterns. I vow to hold my ground. I choose to speak up. I attempt to be kind, not only to myself but also to other people.”
Click here to head over to the New York Times to read the full article.