The surreal time Frank Zappa outlined his “dream girl”
Frank Zappa is arguably the most colourful character that has ever existed in the history of rock music. An iconoclast in every sense of the word, he was the hero of the weirdos, the intellectuals and misanthropes, creating music that had such personality that it ranks amongst the most coveted in existence, a marvellous feat when you note that the Baltimore native departed this mortal coil nearly 30 years ago.
Whether it be his work in The Mothers of Invention or as a solo artist, the incredible moments Zappa captured on record are manifold and are must-haves for any record collector worth their salt. One of the most invariably mystifying figures in popular music, surprising the audience came naturally to Zappa.
Whether it be proclaiming his love for The Monkees and hatred for The Beatles or general disdain for drugs, his life is a fascinating tale brimming with contradictions, meaning that it is impossible to get a proper reading on the man behind the music. He set a precedent for the likes of Steely Dan and Mark E. Smith, and all of music’s greatest misanthropes can be traced back to him.
A truly bizarre individual, Zappa’s appearances in the media are the stuff of legend, and over his long career, he delivered many moments that left fans scratching their heads, wondering if he was even real at all. Surrealism was the name of the game for The Mothers of Invention man, and it suitably kept everyone on their toes.
When answering the 1966 Fanzine Questionnaire, Zappa was asked what his “conception” of his “dream girl” was, to which he responded in his semi-incomprehensible fashion. Of his “dream girl”, Zappa said: “She is an attractive pariah, with an IQ well over 228, with complete mastery of Brer Rabbit, any five Indian Cookbooks, the Dead Sea Scrolls, The Pat Buttram Story (she gotta know all the words to the album!); no interest whatsoever in any way in sports, sunshine, deodorant, lipstick, chewing gum, carbon tetrachloride, television, ice cream … none of that stuff! In short – a wholesome young underground morsel open to suggestion.”
Reflecting the mores of the day, saying he didn’t “even care” if she shaved her legs, the ‘Cosmic Debris’ man continued before maintaining that he wasn’t overly fussy when it came to love: “PS. I don’t even care if she shaves her legs. Just about anybody will do if they can dance. I’m not really sure any of this is true. I’ll have to check it out a couple of times. Wait! Any girl is all right as long as she doesn’t have hair like Bob Dylan, or maybe she could even have that if she knows how to ride a motorcyle. I might even like her better if she can play Stockhausen on the piano – Klavierstücke XII.”
Clearly attracting a lot of attention, he was asked what kind of girl he would marry elsewhere in the questionnaire, and his answer was typically sardonic: “If I ever get married I’d prefer a sterile deaf mute who likes to wash dishes. There are so many American women who fit that description philosophically I might as well own one. No, I’d give her to Po Po. Your dad probably owns one; I’ll go watch his!”
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