Five incredible characters from the world of Frank Zappa
The mind of Frank Zappa boggles. Who bore this creature and what did it want with humanity? He seemed to be a man perpetually at play, like some demented puppet master making the rest of us sinners dance like a marionette in every which way. The crux of this artistic opacity was an unfathomable mind that breathed imagination like a rainforest of far-out thoughts.
“I never set out to be weird,” Zappa once proclaimed, “it was always other people who called me weird.” Some of those other people were, presumably, manifestations of his own mind like L. Ron Hoover or Ms. Pinky the sex-bot. These meta-Ziggy Stardusts are a measure of Zappa’s approach to the music—he wove it around his own wandering muse and nothing more or nothing less.
This profound individualism earmarked him as one of the most original artists of all time. He created a universe of his own and the many oddballs who strolled around it form a tapestry that fans can wander into for a bit of Zappa-led escapism from the daily grind. After a spell in advertising, Zappa knew that modern music needed an image to make it marketable—these are the strangest mascots you could ever choose. Let’s get to meet them…
Five incredible characters from the world of Frank Zappa:
L. Ron Hoover
Zappa wasn’t shy of an opinion and one of the ones he offered up without even a hint of irony was: “My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far from a church as you can.” Thus, it is no surprise that he took satirical aim at the man who set up a church in his image, L. Ron Hubbard, the Scientology leader.
Zappa crowned his parody The leader of the “First Church of Appliantology”. Therein, the esteemed Hoover diagnoses beleaguered musicians continually missing their big break. Poor old Joe comes to Hoover in his hour of need, but he arrived via HMS Clownshoe and he is condemned by the diagnosis that he is clearly a “latent appliance fetishist”. Sadly, this leaves his crippling venereal disease undiagnosed, such is the life of poor old lowdown Joe.
For a small fee, the wise old Hoover would be happy to help you too. However, …and this didn’t come from me…, but If you want to save time and money then you’re better off trying to deal with your white goods perversions yourself, for that will forever be the diagnosis of this wiry conman.
Ms. Pinky
Ms. Pinky is not a character that should have the phrase ‘scary prescience’ attached to it. But I’ll be damned if I’m not forever flicking through to page nine of the paper and hearing about another lonely fellow who has taken drastic action and married a robot. Ms. Pinky is the dream device for these wanton Eleanor Rigbys of sex.
With puns aplenty about how they never talk back, Zappa put his finger on a problematic fuse in the way we view romance. Poor old Ms. Pinky must see some sorry states. This is Zappa’s most lurid tale of sex science friction, and it’s even more pertinent in the age of R2ME2—always treat others with empathy and respect, even mechanical creations.
Frunobulax
Amid the swirling references to movie monsters contained within ‘Cheepnis’ is one sickening devil who could plague your slumber like Freddie Krueger meets fellow dream scorner Simon Cowell—a large poodle.
It is unknown what this damned dog seems to want in this world, but you can neither throw it a bone nor hurl a nuke its way to get it to reason. Frunobulax is seemingly immune to mass attack, and, nevertheless, never seems to go beyond simply being a large poodle in the weird lore of Zappa. This slightly oversized dog opens up a world of ambiguity, but perhaps the answer is that just like its creator, this large poodle is actually an Afghan hound.
The Idiot Bastard Son
Zappa might have been a fervent anti-drug guy (which is still surprising to this day), but he didn’t approach it without empathy. In his tale of a jarred baby raised by stoners, there are moments when the mobile over the cot of the song twinkles with tender poetry.
Despite dire circumstances, Zappa decrees that this formerly jarred child will “thrive and grow, and enter the world of liars, cheaters, and people like you”. Admittedly, it’s not all that cheery but at least just about nobody gets off lightly in Zappa’s rampage. And, weirdly, there is something very ‘Breaking Bad’ about this crooked story of a crippled society.
The Slime
Frank Zappa once said, “Art is moving closer to commercialism, and never the twain shall meet.” His concern, however, was not necessarily that you can be concurrent and artistic, but that the mainstream was quite literally becoming mind-numbing. In truth, amid the hectic day-to-day of modern life, we need a bit of brain novocaine from our entertainment these days, but with The Slime, Zappa offered up a portent that it can all go too far.
This cartoonish nefarious substance has been lingering for a long time in the opposite of the ether with a bent intent to warp the minds of the masses into ignorant globules of gloop. Sometimes this bad bastard thing manifests as a sleazeball who takes things away. What is this damned cursed defamer of decency and what does it want? Well, Zappa offers up this riddle:
“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed ‘n deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet?”
And the answer is: I’m the television and I’m poisoning you. But it’s a worthy disclaimer to tape on the end, Zappa’s saying get with the programme and read a good book, not chill with the flat earthers and start sniffing glue.
