The five best non-human movie sex scenes
The debate continues to rage over how necessary or integral they are to the medium – an assessment that varies from filmmaker to filmmaker and from punter to punter – but make no mistake, sex scenes in cinema aren’t going anywhere.
They’ve been part of the industry since the very beginning, and whether they’re being used for sensual or shocking purposes, characters bumping uglies for whatever reason are woven into the fabric of celluloid.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they all have to be human-to-human encounters, though, something certain films have seized upon and raised to the next level, for better or worse.
The following five sex scenes all feature at least one participant who isn’t made of flesh and blood, and it’s hard to argue that once they’ve been witnessed first-hand, they can never be unseen.
Non-human movie sex scenes:
5. That’s not how to drive stick (The Counselor, Ridley Scott, 2013)
Despite packing a stellar cast that features Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Penelope Cruz, Toby Kebbell, John Leguizamo, and many more besides, The Counselor most definitely won’t be remembered as one of Ridley Scott’s finest works.
However, it does at least boast one standout scene for the most bizarre reasons, after Cameron Diaz decides that having sex with a car is something that needs to be done. The actor does at least give it some serious gusto, although quite why it was necessary to have her grinding all over the windscreen remains entirely up for debate.
There are a lot of beautiful-looking people in The Counselor, but for whatever reason, Diaz decides that she can only be fulfilled by an automobile. It’s weird; it certainly isn’t wonderful, but it’s without a doubt the most outlandish and even remotely memorable moment in the entire movie.
4. Na’vi nookie (Avatar, James Cameron, 2009)
Sam Worthington’s Jake Sully fully commits himself to the Na’vi by getting down to business with Zoe Saldana’s Neytiri, but Avatar opened itself up to more questions than James Cameron probably expected over the mechanics.
Many thought the whole Na’vi hair sex thing was a Mandela Effect, but it was only present in the re-released extended version and not the original theatrical cut. The fact remains, though, that the blue aliens connect their tendrils to copulate in the exact same way they bond with their flying mounts.
By extension, does that mean they’re effectively shagging their winged steeds the entire time they’re airborne? Maybe, and it makes the culture a lot more concerning as a result, and it’s an unseemly oversight Cameron didn’t seem to think of when concocting the mythology of Pandora.
3. A most fowl development (Howard the Duck, Willard Huyck, 1986)
Kevin Feige probably still wakes up in a cold sweat at night whenever he remembers there’s a feature-length adaptation of a Marvel comic book that takes the colloquial phrase ‘fuck a duck’ to brand new heights, not a soul was asking for.
Lea Thompson was in Back to the Future, which should realistically be the most talked-about contribution she’s made to cinema over the years, but history will always remember her as the woman who thought it wasn’t off-putting in the slightest to create the beast with two backs alongside an anthropomorphised waterfowl.
Even the characters in Howard the Duck reflect on their union being against nature, and yet, nobody involved in post-production came to the conclusion that having a human woman bang a giant duck was something the film could live without.
2. Orgy in the produce aisle (Sausage Party, Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan, 2016)
On paper, Sausage Party is pretty much an R-rated spin on Toy Story that swaps playthings for produce. Until the ending, anyway, at which point it devolves into the biggest clean-up aisle three had ever seen.
To be a fly on the wall in the writers’ room when it was suggested – and subsequently agreed – that the best way to round out the story of the edible inhabitants winning their battle against the humans who plan to eat them was by having everyone and everything start fucking like there’s no tomorrow would be an out-of-body experience.
In fairness, it’s a suitably shocking way to cap off a rambunctious animated escapade that set out specifically to shock, and it’ll remain seared into the brain of the viewer until their dying day.
1. Pornographic puppets (Team America: World Police, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, 2004)
South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never been shy in pushing their brand of comedy to new heights – or lows depending on who gets asked – but what makes Team America‘s stand-out shag-a-thon so memorable is the way it’s framed.
The shot composition and power ballad soundtrack indicate that some serious sensual lovemaking is on the cards, before the two puppets end up going at it hammer-and-tongs in a variety of positions that would make even the most seasoned lothario blush.
The fact they don’t have any identifiable genitals only makes it funnier, with the two inanimate objects being bumped together like somebody smashing their action figures around with reckless abandon, except this time it’s decidedly more erotic and backed by a major Hollywood studio.
