The Fiona Apple song about discovering the meaning of life
When American musician Fiona Apple was just 18, she released her stunning debut album, Tidal, which contained songs written when she was even younger. Apple’s remarkable songwriting talents were abundantly clear, and as the years have passed, she has continued to release stellar records. From 1999’s When the Pawn to 2020’s Fetch the Bolt Cutters, Apple’s output has never weakened, making her one of the most captivating musicians of the past few decades.
Apple has kept a relatively low profile during her career, although she has never shied away from speaking the truth. For example, when she was just 19, Apple accepted an accolade at the MTV Video Music Awards by saying: “This world is bullshit. And you shouldn’t model your life—wait a second—you shouldn’t model your life about what you think that we think is cool and what we’re wearing and what we’re saying and everything. Go with yourself”. The headstrong Apple was condemned by various media outlets – a classic misogynistic example of a young woman receiving backlash for being outspoken.
However, Apple hasn’t let the media prevent her from being vocal, and on her fifth record, Fetch the Bolt Cutters, the singer put down some of her most honest, personal and unforgettable lyrics. Apple’s words are confronting and vulnerable, with the musician telling the New Yorker how the album is about “not being afraid to speak”.
One of the album’s most beautiful songs, however, is the opening track ‘I Want You To Love Me’, with Apple telling Vulture that it emerged from a period where she figured out “what life and death was”. Describing the lines “And I know when I go/ All my particles disband and disperse/ And I’ll be back in the pulse,” Apple explained: “That was the experience I’d had this one day after six days straight of meditating at Spirit Rock in Woodacre, California, in a group of about 75 women in 2010.”
“I had this throbbing in my head,” she said. “Then I remembered this advice someone had given me, which was to just surrender — allow yourself to fall through water, stop trying to do anything. And for some reason, I was able to do that, and the throbbing in my head left. But then everybody was throbbing — everything. I’d never had an experience like that, and it’s hard for me to remember what it felt like now, but it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.”
She continued: “I knew then what life and death was. It’s this pulse. And we all share it, and it sounds so cheesy. But it wasn’t in my head; it was out of it. It was among us all. It was something we were all in together. It was like this place of home, this pulse we would all be in. I felt like I had found it, and everything felt so beautiful. I felt like if I opened my eyes, maybe it would disappear. But I opened my eyes, and it was still happening.”
“I left the meditation hall, and it was still happening. I walked down the hill, and there were these horses that never paid attention to me. But I felt there was this understanding between us. I felt all of this. And after a while, it went away. But I remember that that was there. It changed everything for me. Just knowing, ‘Okay, no matter what happens, that’s where home is. That’s what the reality is. I know it’s there.'”
Listen to the song below.
