A fever dream interview with Satan: which musicians made a deal with the devil?
Of course, this conversation with Satan is entirely imagined. No deals were made in the making of this piece.
Hell doesn’t have WiFi, so Satan has to hotspot using what little data remains on the phone of a recently damned soul. The poor individual in question explains his lockscreen through stifled screams as our Zoom call starts up, and Beelzebub giggles.
“It’s a clearly photoshopped naked photo of Mila Kunis,” Satan tells me through spits of laughter as he realises the connection was working. “Why the fuck is this your lock screen, you weirdo?” he asks, turning back to the damned soul whose phone he’s stolen.
Turns out the man in question is called Robert ‘Candlelight’ Holloway, a 40-something-year-old who worked full-time in accounting but used to burn rabbits alive in his downtime (alongside looking at fake photos of Kunis). He passed away when one of his strange rituals grew out of control and burned his house down with him inside.
Explaining, “You see, people always give me such a hard time, but these are the kind of freaks I’m spending my time with, rabbit murderers with creepy lock screens. Day in, day out, I’m banishing these pricks to the depths of hell, and you wonder why I opt to write some tunes every now and then? Give me a break.”
So, why does Satan have such an inkling towards music?
“Well, I’m not sure if you know, but before I ruled the underworld, I was the leader of God’s heavenly choir. I love music because my literal existence originally hinged on it. People believe when I fell from heaven I dedicated my time to writing music that was the antithesis of hymns, but I never did. I just listened to whatever people on Earth were making.”
No matter what period of music you’re looking into, you are going to come across some kind of mention of the devil. His influences seep into genres dating back centuries, with many theorising that Lucifer uses his musical influence to help shape the world into his twisted image.
One of the first documented recordings of Satan in music pertains to Giuseppe Tartini, a violinist in the 1700s whose extraordinary talent was rumoured to be the result of making a deal with the devil. Stories of his musical ability spread far and wide, as people speculated that he burned down town halls with his satanic music, and that he had a sixth digit on his hands which allowed him to reach notes no one else could.
“They’re so fanatical these people, aren’t they?” interjects Satan. “Me and Gissy literally just used to jam. None of it ever led to any solid songs, we just used to play together and then head our separate ways. He learnt a few things from me, sure, but none of it was in exchange for his soul. Even fallen angels can have friends, you know? He would get bored of travelling all the time and I got bored tormenting evil souls. What better way to pass the time than with a bit of band practice?”
I put a few other names to Satan, people who were rumoured to have sold their souls in exchange for exceptional musical ability.
Niccolò Paganini: “Paganini… Paganini… Oh, the violin player from the 1800s? No. I saw him live a few times, he was good. He was really pale, so people thought he was undead or something like that, but the guy was just pale. Stories spread that his violin strings were made from the guts of murdered women. Also, when he died, they refused to give him a catholic burial. He’s in the seventh layer of hell because of that, but I don’t torment him; he’s got a one-bed flat with a PlayStation.”
Robert Johnson: “Ah, the blues musician from the ‘30s? Poor guy. He wasn’t the best guitarist, so he locked himself away and practised his little fingers to the bone. Then, when he resurfaced and people heard how good he was, they just assumed I had something to do with it. All I did was tell him to change his strings from 10’s to 9’s so that they’d be easier to bend. Other than that, it’s all him.”
Jimi Hendrix: “Jimi might have thought he’d met me with all the LSD he took, but I can tell you that’s complete rubbish. That man was just naturally gifted. Granted, he didn’t help himself with that animalistic stage presence and all the nonsense setting his guitar on fire, but I can tell you, none of it was my doing.”
The Beatles: “No, that whole ‘Bigger than Jesus’ comment had nothing to do with me. I think the main people got so wound up over that whole thing was because it rang of truth. The kids in those days were replacing religious figures with mopheads from Liverpool. Your religious obsessives got worried that the youth were going to bin off eternal salvation for the sake of John Lennon. His silly comment just made people worry even more about something that was already burning a hole in the back of their mind.”
Jimmy Page: “Haha, yes, we’ve made a deal before, but it wasn’t for his guitar playing ability. He gave me a signed double-necked Gibson, and in exchange, I made it so that he’d never lose his hair. I offered the same deal to Elton John for a pair of sunglasses but he turned it down.”
Despite Satan denying involvement with these iconic musicians, the fact remains that the Satanic panic was a very real thing. Throughout the ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s, you couldn’t open a paper without people accusing bands, corporations, and even their fellow neighbours of practising Satanic rituals. Influences such as music, pop culture, and films and TV programmes were all said to be behind such devilish actions, all of which had been orchestrated by Satan himself.
Adding, “Of course, I play a part in the music industry, but not in the way that people think. All of these accusations in the ‘80s and ‘90s, all the boycotting of Dungeons and Dragons, the conspiracy theories about ELO, Led Zeppelin and AC/DC, they had nothing to do with me. I like some of that music, sure, but I’m not responsible for it. I wish I was.”
He continued, “Throughout all of time, people have been scared of what they don’t understand. That can be a violin player going for a more emotional approach over a technical one, before romanticism was a thing, that can be aggressive, distorted guitars, it can even be for pop, rap and R&B, all of which I’ve been accused of making at one point or another. The truth is, these people are just small-minded, and given that they assign their subjective unknown with evil, and consider me the proprietor of all evil, they insist I must be behind it. I can’t play guitar like Hendrix, I can’t rap like Ice Cube. They’re just people who think differently to the societal norm, and for some that’s exciting, for others it’s scary.”
I refuse to believe the devil isn’t polluting the minds of the youth with his twisted influence on pop culture. “Look, Dale, can I call you Dale? You guys up there have free will; the way you’re judged, whether you’re chilling on a cloud or burning down here with me, is all determined by how you use that free will. That means that neither I nor the big man gets involved with your lives. You can choose to believe in us or not, that’s your prerogative, but we don’t influence the decisions you make, the art you create or choose to consume, that’s all you.”
He continued, “Don’t get me wrong, I have musicians and other artists down here with me because of what they created, whether it’s because they made something that incited harm or was just so bad it indirectly inflicted harm on others (you can tell Robin Thicke I’m waiting for him), but we don’t do deals with musicians. What those lot make during their time on Earth is all free will and more of a reflection of the world around them than anything else. You want to find the root of evil in humanity? Stop looking at me and start looking at some of your fellow humans. You’re the ones making all the decisions.”
The devil continues to insist that he is innocent of trying to influence society in any way through art, but he did mention earlier that he’s in some way involved in the music industry. At risk of the data on Mr Holloway’s phone running out, I decide to be upfront in my interrogation and ask what his input is.
“Oh, I’m on the board of directors for Spotify,” he says, before our line is cut.
