Alfred Hitchcock’s bizarre idea of the perfect Christmas: “Santa would sit on my right”
If you were to associate a certain holiday with Alfred Hitchcock, it would be Halloween, not Christmas. He triumphed when he was doing anything suspense-led and filled with tension and fear, of course pioneering the slasher genre with his iconic horror film Psycho.
His thrillers and horror films were revolutionary, always playing with the audiences’ expectations and weaving enough twists and turns to have you on the edge of your seat. He wasn’t called the Master of Suspense for nothing – Hitchcock really knew how to manipulate his audience like no one else.
It’s rare you’ll find a film by Hitchcock that doesn’t involve deceit, murder, and obsession, so he probably didn’t ever have a festive flick on his mind. I mean, the closest he got was directing an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents called ‘Back for Christmas’, which was, as expected, a gloriously dark take on the Xmas period, while you can see Christmas decorations in the background of some street scenes in Psycho, but that was only because of logistical filming reasons.
Apart from that, though, Hitchcock wasn’t exactly dying to make a feature-length festive film, so he never did. With that being said, though, the filmmaker still enjoyed the season, and in a bizarre interview with Town and Country back in 1968, he once gave a detailed response to the question of his ideal Christmas dinner guests.
He listed off his roster of attendees – from fictional characters to controversial famous figures – whom he would share turkey and glasses of fizz with, and you can’t help but imagine what a great film this could be. “Santa would sit on my right, of course, since he’s our guest of honour, and don’t you think 20 for dinner would be ideal? Scrooge, certainly, for Santa would cheer him up. Lady Chatterley for a dash of spice. Beau Brummell, for his bon vivant air. Oscar Wilde for pungent wit. Pope Paul to bless the table, also Alexander Pope the poet—this is an excellent occasion for these two Popes to meet,” he began.
Can you imagine Hitchcock pulling a cracker with Oscar Wilde before turning and having a naughty conversation with the protagonist of D H Lawrence’s racy novel, ignoring the fact that Pope is just a few seats away?
It didn’t end there, however. “Marie Antoinette, since there won’t be any cake on the Christmas menu. Bronco Bill, the first screen cowboy, who’ll amuse us. W. C. Fields, who’ll especially appreciate the vodka. Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Charlie McCarthy, who’ll be served special carved wooden portions of everything that we eat. Nellie Melba to raise hell—she’ll be furious: neither Melba toast nor peche Melba will be served.”
And then there’s even more; Hitchcock would’ve had to have gotten quite a few turkeys in for this party. “James Brady—Diamond Jim, that is—to entertain and quiet Nellie. Casanova and Mae West so that Santa may know these delightful people and also so that Casanova and Mae can finally get together.”
To top it off, Hitchcock brought the kind of thinking that made him such an iconic filmmaker of the thriller variety. Of course, there had to be some drama, fear factor, and suspicion weaved into this otherwise rather jolly event.
“Socrates, as our antagonist, for he’d be suspicious of all the food and wine—and not touch a drop for fear of being poisoned. That old-timer, Mr Quaker Oats, who’d appreciate the plenty we have today. And for a very special touch of gore, Anne Boleyn, who will arrive headless and carry her head on a claret velvet cushion. That’s twenty, isn’t it—including Santa and myself?”
Now, what a film that would make – maybe in another universe Hitchcock could’ve brought such a film to life, playing himself, no less.
