Noel Gallagher, the former Oasis mastermind has a cynical outlook on the world. While his music is some of the most dopamine lifting sounds in contemporary culture, his world view doesn’t quite align with the positive message that runs through his work.
It should come as no surprise to anybody who is a fan of Gallagher that the alternative Christmas speech he delivered in 2017 was both characteristically pessimistic and belly-achingly hilarious. The address is packed full of classic Gallagherisms that make him one of the most captivating figures in popular culture over the last few decades.
In 2019, Gallagher spoke with The Times and offered a glance at what his Christmases are like, dourly stating: “The family gatherings — I mean, the nearest thing I’ve ever seen to real Christmas is the Royle family, where it’s a bit shit. Tray on my lap, that’s my idea of a real-life Christmas. Christmas Day’s the longest day, longer than D-Day — and more stressful,” he continues. “You’re sitting there exhausted, thinking, ‘And it’s only 11 o’clock.'”
This quote offers a glimpse of the contents of his Christmas message he made for FACT in 2017, which started with Gallagher channelling his not-so inner Scrooge by declaring: “The entire fucking period is a stain on society. I fucking hate it with a passion; the jingles.”
He then added with a cheeky glint in his eye: “Although when John Lewis put my song in an ad at Christmas, I loved that. At that particular point, I thought, ‘You know what, Christmas is alright, I’m going to give Christmas a second chance here.’ I gave it a second chance, it was fucking shit.
“Too much food, too much we are the world, the jumpers, the TV presenters, the shit adverts, the fucking weather, the disappointed children’s faces in my house. They’ll go, ‘I’ll ask for a spider?’ ‘Yeah, but it’s fucking illegal to bring spiders into this country’,” Noel’s festive moan continued.
“Then they’ll be like, ‘What about the African tree frog I asked for?’ ‘Yeah, that’s a big tree in Africa, we’re in a fucking Maida Vale, how about a Maida Vale garden frog that you can get down the end of the garden?’ And you get, ‘But that hasn’t got big red eyes’. ‘Well Life is a bitch, go and ask Father Christmas.'”
Gallagher then detailed what precious gift he had in store for his little brother. Brutally saying: “I’m giving Liam what I give him every year, the benefit of my genius, which he seems to be cashing in on,” before concluding his speech with this beauty, “There you go, merry fucking Christmas. We are not the world, we are not the children, Christmas is for divs.”
Check out Noel’s slice of festive joy, below.